Femme Fatale: Leaving on a Jet plane...

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not…

I wait a week before coming back to find out if she has made up her mind. There is a logical part of my brain just below the hope and optimism that is telling me that there isn’t a chance in hell she will chose a life on the run over her posh and cozy lifestyle. However, when she opens the door I spot a few bags on the floor. If that wasn’t enough of a shock then you could literally knock me over with a feather when she kisses me. It takes a moment to understand what is happening. She is choosing not only this new life but one with me in it. I grasp her neck, pulling her further into the kiss. Pulling away only when it is utterly necessary that I breathe, a smile spreads across my face that is wider than I’ve had in a great deal of time. “I see that” I reply to her previous statement at her having made her decision. “…You won’t regret it.”

“Mmm.. I hope not,so where to?” I asked him as I untangled myself from him and got my bags. I was more than ready to leave. I don’t really care where we go exactly at the moment as long as we’re gone from LA as soon as possible.

I looked up for a moment, contemplating the question. “Hmm, depends. You feeling warm and beachy or cold and snowy?” We could really do whatever we wanted. It was funny how being on the run meant losing the freedom to be a permanent or solid human being but it also gave you all the freedom to be whoever you wanted wherever you wanted. If she pulled out a globe we could just spin it and point. I had done it a few times.

“Hmm.. Beachy preferably an island like the Bahamas or the Caribbean.” I said as I dashed back into my bedroom to grab a few more things. If we were hitting a tropical paradise I was going to need be wear. I left the door to the bedroom open so he could come in while I looked for what I needed.

“Caribbean it is then.” I randomly picked one of the two places she suggested. “Sounds perfect.” She wondered off to grab a few things out of her bedroom. After a moment, I followed, standing at the doorway. “Make sure you bring everything you need and/or want because there is a good chance you won’t be coming back for them.” Won’t be able to come back for them was the more accurate wordage but I left it at that.

I nodded as I grabbed my black bikini, sunglasses, hat, beach bags and some more lotion and a few other things. “Okay I’m good we can go now.” I grabbed everything and headed for his car. I can’t wait to get out of here.

She grabs a few more things and is out the door. I can sense how eager she is to get out of here by the quickness of her pace and the look in her eyes. “Great” I follow behind her, grabbing a few of the bags from her. Piling her stuff into the back of my truck, I stop in front of her before she can get in. “One thing, you are not to complain about the state of my truck or the truck in general. We clear?” I know Lilah loves to make fun of it and I enjoy her teasing when it came to most things but my truck was my baby. 

I stopped short when he moved in front of his truck and told me that I wasn’t to complain. I sighed. “Fine I’ll play nice..”  I looked at the truck then at him. “Can I get in now so we can go?” I asked him. I really want out of here.

I nod when she says she will play nice, finding her aggravation amusing. She just wants out of this place and I can’t blame her. I got the hell out of dodge at the first opportunity. A smirk pulls at my mouth when she asks if we can just get in the car now. Stepping over to open the passenger side door, I make a sweeping gesture for her to enter the vehicle like I escorting her into a limousine. “After you.” 

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lilahemorgan)
3 years ago on 29 June 2011 @ 9:26pm 10 notes

Femme Fatale: Leaving on a Jet plane...

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not…

I wait a week before coming back to find out if she has made up her mind. There is a logical part of my brain just below the hope and optimism that is telling me that there isn’t a chance in hell she will chose a life on the run over her posh and cozy lifestyle. However, when she opens the door I spot a few bags on the floor. If that wasn’t enough of a shock then you could literally knock me over with a feather when she kisses me. It takes a moment to understand what is happening. She is choosing not only this new life but one with me in it. I grasp her neck, pulling her further into the kiss. Pulling away only when it is utterly necessary that I breathe, a smile spreads across my face that is wider than I’ve had in a great deal of time. “I see that” I reply to her previous statement at her having made her decision. “…You won’t regret it.”

“Mmm.. I hope not,so where to?” I asked him as I untangled myself from him and got my bags. I was more than ready to leave. I don’t really care where we go exactly at the moment as long as we’re gone from LA as soon as possible.

I looked up for a moment, contemplating the question. “Hmm, depends. You feeling warm and beachy or cold and snowy?” We could really do whatever we wanted. It was funny how being on the run meant losing the freedom to be a permanent or solid human being but it also gave you all the freedom to be whoever you wanted wherever you wanted. If she pulled out a globe we could just spin it and point. I had done it a few times.

“Hmm.. Beachy preferably an island like the Bahamas or the Caribbean.” I said as I dashed back into my bedroom to grab a few more things. If we were hitting a tropical paradise I was going to need be wear. I left the door to the bedroom open so he could come in while I looked for what I needed.

“Caribbean it is then.” I randomly picked one of the two places she suggested. “Sounds perfect.” She wondered off to grab a few things out of her bedroom. After a moment, I followed, standing at the doorway. “Make sure you bring everything you need and/or want because there is a good chance you won’t be coming back for them.” Won’t be able to come back for them was the more accurate wordage but I left it at that.

I nodded as I grabbed my black bikini, sunglasses, hat, beach bags and some more lotion and a few other things. “Okay I’m good we can go now.” I grabbed everything and headed for his car. I can’t wait to get out of here.

She grabs a few more things and is out the door. I can sense how eager she is to get out of here by the quickness of her pace and the look in her eyes. “Great” I follow behind her, grabbing a few of the bags from her. Piling her stuff into the back of my truck, I stop in front of her before she can get in. “One thing, you are not to complain about the state of my truck or the truck in general. We clear?” I know Lilah loves to make fun of it and I enjoy her teasing when it came to most things but my truck was my baby. 

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lilahemorgan)
3 years ago on 22 June 2011 @ 7:07pm 10 notes

Femme Fatale: Leaving on a Jet plane...

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not…

I wait a week before coming back to find out if she has made up her mind. There is a logical part of my brain just below the hope and optimism that is telling me that there isn’t a chance in hell she will chose a life on the run over her posh and cozy lifestyle. However, when she opens the door I spot a few bags on the floor. If that wasn’t enough of a shock then you could literally knock me over with a feather when she kisses me. It takes a moment to understand what is happening. She is choosing not only this new life but one with me in it. I grasp her neck, pulling her further into the kiss. Pulling away only when it is utterly necessary that I breathe, a smile spreads across my face that is wider than I’ve had in a great deal of time. “I see that” I reply to her previous statement at her having made her decision. “…You won’t regret it.”

“Mmm.. I hope not,so where to?” I asked him as I untangled myself from him and got my bags. I was more than ready to leave. I don’t really care where we go exactly at the moment as long as we’re gone from LA as soon as possible.

I looked up for a moment, contemplating the question. “Hmm, depends. You feeling warm and beachy or cold and snowy?” We could really do whatever we wanted. It was funny how being on the run meant losing the freedom to be a permanent or solid human being but it also gave you all the freedom to be whoever you wanted wherever you wanted. If she pulled out a globe we could just spin it and point. I had done it a few times.

“Hmm.. Beachy preferably an island like the Bahamas or the Caribbean.” I said as I dashed back into my bedroom to grab a few more things. If we were hitting a tropical paradise I was going to need be wear. I left the door to the bedroom open so he could come in while I looked for what I needed.

"Caribbean it is then." I randomly picked one of the two places she suggested. "Sounds perfect." She wondered off to grab a few things out of her bedroom. After a moment, I followed, standing at the doorway. "Make sure you bring everything you need and/or want because there is a good chance you won’t be coming back for them." Won’t be able to come back for them was the more accurate wordage but I left it at that.

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lilahemorgan)
3 years ago on 20 June 2011 @ 11:13pm 10 notes

Femme Fatale: Leaving on a Jet plane...

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not…

I wait a week before coming back to find out if she has made up her mind. There is a logical part of my brain just below the hope and optimism that is telling me that there isn’t a chance in hell she will chose a life on the run over her posh and cozy lifestyle. However, when she opens the door I spot a few bags on the floor. If that wasn’t enough of a shock then you could literally knock me over with a feather when she kisses me. It takes a moment to understand what is happening. She is choosing not only this new life but one with me in it. I grasp her neck, pulling her further into the kiss. Pulling away only when it is utterly necessary that I breathe, a smile spreads across my face that is wider than I’ve had in a great deal of time. “I see that” I reply to her previous statement at her having made her decision. “…You won’t regret it.”

“Mmm.. I hope not,so where to?” I asked him as I untangled myself from him and got my bags. I was more than ready to leave. I don’t really care where we go exactly at the moment as long as we’re gone from LA as soon as possible.

I looked up for a moment, contemplating the question. “Hmm, depends. You feeling warm and beachy or cold and snowy?” We could really do whatever we wanted. It was funny how being on the run meant losing the freedom to be a permanent or solid human being but it also gave you all the freedom to be whoever you wanted wherever you wanted. If she pulled out a globe we could just spin it and point. I had done it a few times.

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lilahemorgan)
3 years ago on 20 June 2011 @ 3:01am 10 notes

evewithanapple:

Themed Party Challenge #17: Opposites | Lilah&Fred, The Whore and the Virgin

I am not a pretty girl
That is not what I do
I ain’t no damsel in distress
And I don’t need to be rescued
So put me down punk
Maybe you’d prefer a maiden fair
Isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
But it seems like I’ve got everyone fooled
Every time I say something they find hard to hear
They chalk it up to my anger
And never to their own fear
And imagine you’re a girl
Just trying to finally come clean
Knowing full well they’d prefer you
Were dirty and smiling

» via  fuckyeahlilah   (originally  ladyspirits)
3 years ago on 20 June 2011 @ 2:34am 13 notes

lawfullyweddedlawyer:

wesleyrwp:

lawfullyweddedlawyer:

katiecolson:

Oh lord, those crazy-ass beats.

They’re gunna get ya.

/Shh, I have some bad typos, okay? :L

//LOOK OUT FOR THOSE BEETS! THEY’RE RED. THEY’RE PURPLE. THEY’RE ALL OVER THE PLACE! WATCH YOUR STEP!

/-dies-

» via  homecomenovember   (originally  katiecolson-deactivated20120222)
3 years ago on 20 June 2011 @ 2:32am 4 notes

Femme Fatale: Leaving on a Jet plane...

lilahemorgan:

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not…

I wait a week before coming back to find out if she has made up her mind. There is a logical part of my brain just below the hope and optimism that is telling me that there isn’t a chance in hell she will chose a life on the run over her posh and cozy lifestyle. However, when she opens the door I spot a few bags on the floor. If that wasn’t enough of a shock then you could literally knock me over with a feather when she kisses me. It takes a moment to understand what is happening. She is choosing not only this new life but one with me in it. I grasp her neck, pulling her further into the kiss. Pulling away only when it is utterly necessary that I breathe, a smile spreads across my face that is wider than I’ve had in a great deal of time. “I see that” I reply to her previous statement at her having made her decision. “…You won’t regret it.”

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lilahemorgan)
3 years ago on 16 June 2011 @ 12:29am 10 notes

Femme Fatale: But I've only just begun to say hello.

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

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lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lilahemorgan:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

lindseymcdonaldrp:

It hadn’t been but a few days since I held a gun to Lilah’s head, slept with her, then she held the same gun to me before high-tailing it out of my home and back to Los Angeles.

I could have let it go. ‘Could’ being the operative word here.

[Present time]

*Standing in…

I chuckle under my breath “The look on your face is reason enough.” Looking her over once before taking a sip of my scotch and shrugging. “What can I say? You’re a good fuck and hilarious to torment. Or maybe I’m just a masochist. Either way, i figured if you get to make a house call then I am reserved one as well.”

I sighed and continued to glare at him. “Go home Lindsey I have nothing more to say to you.” I can tell from here that he’s not drinking coffee, which, means he’s been in my liquor cabinet.

I downed the rest of the scotch, placing the cup in the sink before meeting her glare again “Don’t act like you don’t want this. As I recall, you practically invented the term ‘fuck-buddies’ when I worked at Wolfram & Hart. How is that going by the way? Not so good I hear.”

“Work is fine and you can leave now.” I said as I moved past him. I just wanted to take a long bubble bath and have a glass of wine,but no now I have to deal with him.

“I could, but that doesn’t seem like me at all.” Normally, I would find a girl in a bar with loose morals and a tight skirt if I wanted some. But, Lilah…well, Lilah’s something else entirely. She’s a challenge, she’s a game I need to win. I have my standards but I also have my pride and it’s been hit one too many times by this woman to not want to hit back. “How about-” I grab her arm as she goes to walk by me and pull her close enough to feel her breath on my skin. “I stay and give you a release for all that psycho-bitch anger you have built up?” She’ll cave, she always does. Of course, she’s the one who always leaves me high and dry in the end anyways.

I sighed in annoyance and pulled out of his grip. “How about you leave now before I shoot you.” I’m not in the mood to deal with him or his little petty games tonight. I went to make my way towards my bedroom again. the threat to shoot him would normally be just an idle threat,and it is for now,but I know that he knows I’ll hardly think twice before shooting him if he keeps this up.

Oh, so she’s going to play it like this. She can make house calls but I can’t? Now, that just doesn’t seem fair to me. I have no doubt in mind that Lilah would shoot me if it came down to it but I know she wouldn’t ruin her carpet because of a small inconvenience such as this. “You seemed to like my gun a few days ago. You want to shoot me? Fine. Not like I would be missed and I am sure Wolfram & Hart would applaud your ethics.” I shrugged dismissively. I have gone so far past the point of caring about living or dying. I was invisible now, no one knew who I was or where I would be. I am a ghost. I can do whatever I damn well please and right now it just happens to be Lilah. “But, you could be so kind as to grant my last request.” I followed her the few steps she’d taken. The thing that makes Lilah and I most alike is our stubbornness. We don’t give up. We either win or lose or kill each other. 

“Oh shut up I’m not going to shoot you.” I sighed suddenly more tired than before. “You can stay if you want,but I’m going to go take a bubble bath…alone.”   I know I should care more if he stays,but I’m just too exhausted to really care.  Plus maybe I missed him.

I recognized that look. The 38-hour-work-day look. The I-just-want-to-sleep-where-I-stand face. Yes, I know it well. Wolfram & Hart can take a lot out of a person, everything if you’re not careful. I know I should choose to either leave for good or continue my argument on getting laid but I don’t think I will just yet. Lilah wasn’t one to let people stay the night, under any circumstance. Of course, she could just be waiting for me to fall asleep so she can call W&H to tell them I am within snatching distance. Good thing I am not half as tired as Lilah looks. “Fine. But this isn’t over” I smirk with those words and motion for her to continue on to the bathroom. I must say, I do love our sick games.

I grabbed my ihome player, my silk short green nightgown, and matching robe. I then walked into the bathroom. I set the player on the bench that was near the tub,then after hitting play on the player and filling the tub with hot water and bubbles  I slipped into the warm bubble bath. A song that I’m sure no one would expect me to like came on and I turned it up.

“Well our love story reads like a book of lies

Good intentions, better alibis

No happy endings, no straight lines

No movin’ on, but no goodbyes

This bittersweet revelry, will be the death of me

Chorus:

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

And you would think that we’d get enough

You know we’re goin’ to fuck it up

We’re holdin’ on and sinking down

Here we go round and round

Making circles

Making circles

We both need to lead, while we dance alone

One more graceful spin, on who’s right or wrong

The same old words, the same old song

Maybe we’re right, where we belong

It can’t get much better, it sure can’t get worse

Well ether way you turn, it’s gonna hurt

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

You’d think that we had had enough

Be sick and tired of fuckin’ up

Holdin’ on, sinkin’ down

Here we go round and round”

I heard the music drift from the bathroom and immediately and subconsciously began to sing along. Music is a weakness of mine, I must admit. It wasn’t until the song was partially over that I realized it seemed an odd choice for Lilah. Not bad, just not expected.

I stood for only a few seconds before setting out to explore her apartment. Not much had changed. Her clothes were impeccably folded and color coordinated - as always. The woman must have OCD and I mean the series illness, not the funny-self-diagnosed version. There’s a possibility I am looking for personal things, like what she’s been up to or who with. It’s a possibility is all I’m saying.

For the past months of isolation, staying hidden from the eyes of the Senior Partners, has been tedious, monotonous, and most important - boring. I think that is what keeps me coming back to Lilah, or at least allows me to tolerate her. She is absolutely never boring. No matter how bitchy, it isn’t boring and god have I been bored. Maybe playing this game with her will be a good break from these past few months of torture.

I was still in the tub humming along to the song until it finished. My closet is where most of my most personal items are kept. Their in the hatbox that sits on the top shelf. I also had some work related stuff in my desk in the living room too.  I got out of tub,grabbed a towel and started to dry off. I’m sure that he’s snooping and I should be pissed by that fact,but it’s not like he’ll find anything *that* interesting unless he looks through the hat box.

I whistled as I sat down at her desk, pulling out drawers and having a look around. I am sure most anyone at Wolfram & Hart would love to get their hands on these files. But Lilah was smart. She didn’t keep anything really important in the open. Those things were password and firewall protected on her laptop. If I had more time I’m sure I could crack it but it’s not really of the essence right now. Her work life as of vague interest to me. I would like to know what’s been going on since I’ve been gone and how high up the corporate ladder she has gotten but I can ask her those questions. No, I want to know the things that Lilah would never give up willingly. Not finding much in the desk, I got up and walked into her bedroom. The closet door was left open from when she had retrieved her clothes. There were several boxes lining the top. Most of them were shoes but one was old and unlabeled so I figured ‘what the hell’. Couldn’t hurt. I took it down and opened the lid. Jackpot. Jackpot in Los Vegas. This is gold. Pictures from god knows when were all stuffed around the edges, along with letters and cards and all sorts of things. I set on her bed and pulled out a stack of pictures, thumbing through them. 

The pictures were of me as a kid and my parents, one of my college sweetheart and I, letters from him,my parents and  my letter from Wolfram and Hart and some other things like my ballet slippers,the silver locket my father gave me,his law degree from Yale and mine and several other things.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the pictures. The thought of Lilah ever being anything other then what she is right now was humorous as well as fascinating. There are two of her as a kid. One was a school photo, probably around 3rd grade. The other was a family photo, just as young. I held up the school photo. How could Lilah Morgan look so…cute. Yes, cute is definitely the word. Adorable more like. She had curly pigtails for gods sake. This is too good to be true. I slip the photo into my pocket before going back to looking through the box. She looks so happy in her photos. The ballet slippers are old and worn, she must have been pretty good. I wonder who this girl is. “Who are you?” I saw out loud, flipping through the letters. It seems a little too personal to read the letters. Wolfram & Hart’s influence on me makes me almost open them, they have infused sneakiness and suspicion into me but I retain my moral value. I put them back, only stopping to take the family photo out and placing it in the corner of her bedroom mirror. Even Lilah needs a reminder of who she was. It would probably do her good. I put the box back precisely where I found it and flop down on the bed.

I came out of the bathroom in the nightgown and robe that I’d brought in with me,to find Lindsey lounging on my bed looking for all the world like he was quite at home here. I looked at him,then around the room and that’s when I saw the photo of me and my parents on my vanity mirror. I walked over to the vanity and grabbed the picture,before turning around to face him again. I’m not even sure what to say to him since I knew he’d go through things, so I just glanced at the photo then looked back at him speechless.

When Lilah came out of the bathroom my eyes widened “Woah”. I had never seen her without make-up before. She looked years younger as if a shell had been shipped away. When Lilah grabbed the photo and looked at me, I just raised an eyebrow as if to say I had no idea what she was talking about. “Is that before your mom got sick?” I asked, playing dumb as to how it got there just to avoid the conversation.

“Yeah and before my dad died..” I sat down on the bed with him. “So you went through my stuff..”

I pulled myself up on my elbows when she sat down next to me. “Can I ask how he died?” Knowing Lilah it would probably be stepping over a load of boundaries but it never hurts to ask. She had never brought him up intentionally in the past. I cocked my head to the side when she mentioned me going through her stuff. “And you expected me not to? I’m hurt.” She’d do the same to me and everyone knows it. “I did not read your letters though. For us that’s almost like respecting someone’s privacy.” I said in mock pride of my restraint.

I looked at him when he asked about my father. I sighed. “It was a plane crash on his way home from a business trip in Rome.” When he started in about how great it was of him that he didn’t read the letters I smirked. “Yeah I guess that qualifies…”

I just blinked for a moment when she spoke of her father’s death. One, because I didn’t think she would actually tell me and two, that sounds like a terrible way to go. “How old were you?”

I chuckled at her reply to my nosiness. “It’s a start.” 

“I was eight.” I told him. When he said it was a start as far of him not reading the letters. “Yeah..” I idlely wonder how long it’ll be before he goes back to wanting to screw me.

“Eight? That’s young.” Of course, my background isn’t extremely different but it is always depressing to think other people have to go through the same thing. It isn’t shocking though, seeing as how she turned out - completely inside herself, shielded. It’s understandable if you try to understand. 

It seemed the shower had woken her up enough to not be annoyed by my presence but she still looked exhausted. “How opposed would you be to the idea of me staying here tonight?” I certainly can’t buy a hotel room in this town without someone spotting me and reporting me to Wolfram & Hart. 

“Yeah I know it was pretty bad.” When he asked if he could stay the night, I nodded. “You can stay tonight,I’ll show you the guestroom.” I went to get up brushing against him a little.

I nodded knowingly. It always is. When she gets up to show me the guest room I grab her arm and pull her back to the bed. “Lilah, don’t you think we are a little beyond guests?” This, of course, could end me up with a door slammed in my face but it’s worth the risk. But, it’s up to her. I am not in the habit of forcing decisions on Lilah Morgan. She doesn’t take kindly to that.

“Lindsey… it’s late I’m tired…” I said even though I didn’t move out of his grasp. I know he has a point,but I just don’t fully trust him, plus there’s the fact that if he stays in here I won’t get any sleep.

“Who said you had to do anything but sleep?” I asked. She knows that if she were up to it then we would be doing something completely different right now but having sex with someone who’s half asleep doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either of us. I notice she doesn’t pull away so I take it as an invite to pull her back toward the middle of the bed so she can lay down. “I’ve seen your guest bed, thanks but no thanks.” As if this entire conversation was based on my comfort. If there is one thing Lilah and I can appreciate whole-heartedly, other than a glass of scotch, it’s a warm body. 

I sighed. “Fine you can stay.” I said as I let him pull me onto the bed. I laid down and despite my better judgment I kissed him. I might regret this in the morning,but it feels like the okay thing to do today.

If I  thought I was surprised when she let me stay without a fight, I definitely was when she kissed me. My eyes widened slightly before letting them close. She must either be too tired to cognitively process that this isn’t the wisest of decisions or perhaps she actually did want this. It seemed far-fetched that Lilah and I’s intentions would ever coincide when it comes to one another. But here it is. I take the kiss for everything she is willing to let it be, running my hands under her robe. I would be okay with just sleeping if that’s what she preferred but the alternative is always an option as well.

After a few moments of kissing and groping I came up for air, looked at the clock then got under the covers. I didn’t say anything I just laid down my head on his chest. Sleep was quickly catching up to me. I closed my eyes. “Don’t leave..” I murmured sleepily before I finally fell asleep.  I really hope he’s still here when I wake up, because I don’t think I could take it again if he left. The last time he was here and I just slept was the night Lee died, I’d asked him to come over,because I didn’t want to be alone.

When she laid down on the bed with me, she looked so comfortable that I didn’t bother to move her to take off my pants or shirt, just let her lay her head on my chest. The moment was increasingly fragile and I wouldn’t dare break it for her and my sake. When she asks me not to leave I am slightly taken aback from the sheet openness of the statement but I nod, running a hand through her hair “I won’t.” And it’s true - I won’t. I think I have seriously underestimated the stress and emotional strain Lilah has been under since I left. I feel guilty for not thinking of her side of it before now. This moment reminds me of the last time we were in this position. Lee’s death. The thought of it makes me pull her closer, wrapping both arms around her. “Sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

I smiled and snuggled up to him more. “I missed you” I said still only barely awake. I’d almost forgotten how good his arms felt holding me. I also realized how much I’ve not only missed having him around,but this just laying here with him. Before Angel came along things were pretty good,we were on top of of game work wise and I had him to run to if I needed to,then everything changed. I’d like to think it was Angel coming to town,but I know that he wasn’t the sole cause of everything getting turned upside down. Things have been even worse since Lindsey left though, I’m treading water trying to keep from drowning. Then of course there’s the daily desire to either have Gavin killed or do it with my bare hands.

“I missed you too.” Terribly so, but I never suspected she felt the same. We have both done very well of either hiding our emotions or making it appear as if we despise each other. We were so good act acting in fact, we started believing it to some extent. But I never forgot what we used to be and those thoughts only got more intense when I left and hadn’t seen her in months. I miss not being able to come to her with problems and get her no-nonsense advice. I miss not being able to see her everyday at work. But, most of all, I miss having someone to do this with, just hold with no expectation of anything more. I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. If I still remember how she is under stress, she rarely sleeps through the night. God knows she needs it though.

I slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t feel stressed or anything like I normally do, and the nightmares didn’t come for once either.

I am not sure when exactly it was that I fell asleep but I wake up hours later to the sound of her alarm clock. Skillfully, I reach over to turn it off without moving her. She hasn’t moved a muscle from last night - dead to the world. We both slept without disruption which is not common, and it isn’t due to her comfy mattress. It would spark suspicion for her not to come into work today. For one, Lilah never misses work…I mean, ever, for whatever reason. I run a hand through her hair “Lilah…Lilah, wake up.”

“Mmm.. five more minutes..” I didn’t want to go into work today. Plus my bed is comfy and I have no plans to leave it at least not this early. I know I should care that I’ll miss work,but I just can’t bring myself to deal with the hell that is work right now. No I’m going to stay in my nice little sanctuary.

I chuckled when she asked for 5 more minutes. “Whatever you want.” I would prefer she never went back but that’s just me. “How about, I make breakfast and I’ll wake you up when it’s done?” I said, moving to get out of bed. 

“Mmm yeah that sounds great,you do that I’m going to stay here.” It was warm and comfy. “I should have all needed supplies.”

I just laughed at her. She was half-asleep and barely understandable, but I got the gist. She mentioned having all the supplies. I have my doubts on that. Lilah was never a sit down and make a meal kind of person; she was too on the go. “If I open the fridge and all that’s there is Vodka and cold pizza then I hope you know I will concoct a pizza-tonic-omelet. Don’t think I won’t.” I could see I was loosing her again to sleep so I made my way to the kitchen.

Honestly I was way too tired to remember if that’s really all there was in my fridge,but it sounds like stuff I’d have, especially the vodka. I’ve got cash though so he could go out and stock up on food, the actual cookware and dishes I have all stacked in the cabinets I just seldom if ever use them. I stayed in bed snuggling up to his pillow and pulling the covers over myself more.

I open the fridge and am not shocked whatsoever to see that there is virtually nothing in it. It’s mostly condiments, a few take out boxes, and some randomly assorted tidbits that I are probably past their expiration date anyway. This is Lilah, a key Wolfram & Hart employee. It is not surprising for her to put food on the back burner. I can remember those days. Choosing an alternative method, I grabbed my wallet and left her apartment, getting into my car and going to the store. I picked up a little of a lot of things. So that she wouldn’t have an excuse not to put something together in the morning or grab something at night. Also, I got a to-go breakfast from the cafe on the way to her place. Walking back into her apartment, I set the breakfast on the table and put the bags on her counter. Making breakfast would have to wait for another day, If she’d have me that is.

By the time he’d come back I was up and in the shower. I’m still not sure about going into the office now that he’s here, mainly because I know they do ‘random’ mind reader sweeps and then there’s the fact that I just want to stay here with him. I could call out, lord knows I’ve got enough sick time and vacation days racked up that I’d have no problem taking advantage of.

I can hear the shower running so I set the food out so it will be waiting when she gets out. I wonder if she is going into work late or at all. It is past the time she normally shows up is why I am wondering. On one hand, I would like nothing more than for her to stay here with me all day and not have a single desire to go to work. Yet, on the other hand, I know the firm and what they are capable of. I don’t want them to have any reason to doubt her. 

I got dressed and picked up my cell,I called the office and said I was sick and won’t be coming in. After that I went to see Lindsey. “Hey, you bought food..” I said as I noticed the container. I called the office.. so I’m yours for the day.”

I turned around when she mentioned breakfast. “Yes, as it turns out, the contents of your fridgerator are all but nonexistent so I also bought something to fill it with.” I smirked but it fell away when she mentioned calling in sick. I should be happy that she would go through the effort to spend this time with me, and I am, but I have lived a life of constant worry and suspicion for a while now. Thinking of all the possible bad outcomes is sort of a habit of mine. “Aren’t you worried they’ll get suspicious. I mean, when’s the last time you took off work?”

“Thanks and I’ve called out at least once before so it;ll be fine. So you’ll be fine.” I smiled and picked up the box. I opened it and smiled when I saw it was chocolate pancakes my favorite. “You always did know me best..”

Nodding when she said everything would be fine, I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” Not like that hasn’t happened in the past or anything. I smile when she notices the chocolate pancakes. Holding a fork I reply “Well, of course, we were around each other day in and day out. I am probably the only person who has seen you literally pass out from sleep deprivation too.” Being partners at Wolfram & Hart usually led to one killing the other or some sort of pseudo-sexual relationship. “You always fascinated me.” That was definitely true. Lilah was just as predictable as she was unpredictable which made her such a challenge to figure out. The fun part being that you never would.

“Yeah so that explains how you’d know my favorite foods and how I like my coffee.” I smiled when he said I fascinated him, he’s not the first guy to tell me that of course,but it means more coming from him. I took the fork and pulled out his arms. I sat down on the sofa with the food. “So..”

“I am sure I know a lot of menial information about you.” Just little tid bits I picked up here and there over the years. For example, I know when she’s nervous she touches her neck a lot. Why do I know this? Not sure. Just something I’ve noticed. I frown slightly when she pulls away to go sit in the living room. My eyebrow goes up questioningly with her word “so…” which I can only imagine I am supposed to lead up with something but I have no idea what. “So…what?” I grab my container and a fork and sit on the sofa facing her instead of with her because I am not sure where this conversation is about to go but I figure I better play it safe for the time being.

We’ve spent enough years together that we’ve both picked up on certain things. like when he’s annoyed or tired. “It’s been awful since you left, Nathan Reed’s replacement is worse than him and I just want to kill your replacement.”

I pick my food up and set it on the coffee table in between the sofas before sitting next to her. We were lucky to have Holland as a boss. He was a Wolfram & Hart employee and he knew his job title but he wasn’t a monster and that’s more than you can ask for at the firm. I can only imagine who she is working with now. “And here I thought I was a pain in the ass to work with you.” I smirk, trying to lift her spirits but I abandon that approach because of all people I know this isn’t a laughing matter. “You understand why I left right? That I had too…It wasn’t to hurt you.” I never meant to do that. I knew it was necessary to do what I had to do, but I had no idea it would be to this extent. It is now, when she is opening up to me, that the guilt over causing her pain hits me.

I sighed. “I sort of get why you had to I just don’t think you should’ve left still. Things were bearable for about a month after you left,but that was before Nathan left too. After he left Linwood Murrow stepped in..” Linwood was a full fledged member of the firm’s boys club only  style. “And Gavin tried to start with me the day we met…bastard had the IT tech hook him up to my printer..”

“They would have killed you if I’d stayed.” I put it honestly. We both know they would promote a man over a woman any day at W&H.
I can’t help but laugh when she mentions the people she is working with now. “You can tell from their names. Linwood Murrow? Sounds like a paper company. I half expect to see it on the side of a scanner at the post office. And ‘Gavin’, was he born with a sweater vest and a mini golf club in his hand?” I am only laughing harder now. “He sounds like a prick.” I want to meet these people, see what they’re really like. But, I wouldn’t make such a rookie mistake. “I’m sure you give them hell. I bet you have some pretty great stories too.” Lilah was known for her retaliation and it was legendary. “I mean, what kind of things have they done?” I am not sure I should really know these things because it is in the past and getting mad about it know wont do any good but I still want to know. 

“Linwood goes back and forth as to which one of us he likes more on any given day and there’s just the general him being a total ass. As for Gavin he tried to tell me I should team up with him,and that I only got your old office and promotion for a reason other than having earned it. He then tried to tell me that the way to bring Angel down was to drown him in red tape,which I told him wouldn’t work and a week later I locked him in a room with a bunch of poisonous snakes.”

Lilah and I had had our fights at the firm, that was for sure. But it was more like malicious pranks back and forth not this undermining bullshit with not even a hint of a joke involved. They just sounded like greedy bastards. “Red tape? He came to you with red tape? And Linwood actually ‘likes’ this guy? He doesn’t sound like a parter so much as a peon.” When she mentions the snakes I chuckle, putting an arm around her shoulders and squeezing lightly “That’s my girl. And I suppose the bastard still lived despite all the efforts.” 

“Yeah apparently Gavin assumed I play well with others and that his plan was brilliant….Yeah he lived…” I smiled when he called me his girl and I moved into his touch. “At least when we fought it was more entertaining and the make up was worth it..”

“Play well with others? Doesn’t a mouse recognize a cat when it sees one?” It was often that people would underestimate Lilah, their mistake of course, but it was common. Woman were not taken as seriously at Wolfram & Hart which gave Lilah the pleasure of proving them all so very very wrong. I can imagine it got tiresome though. I smiled when she mentioned their fights, allowing her to move closer. “Our fights were definitely amusing, as well as brutal and creative. The ‘make-up’ is probably the thing I looked forward to most about coming into work. If not just you in general. Plus, if anyone else was as much fun to argue with then what would I be for?”

“Yeah our fights were better,close to legendary too.” I smiled he was right about his earlier comment about Gavin not being smart enough to know his place. “Gavin thinks he’s so damn brillant with all his stupid plans and such…his office isn’t even worth the effort to bother snooping in. He’s just some stupid rookie from the real estate division who has no clue how to play the game. Hell the only reason I even have to deal with him is, because they clearly didn’t want me to handle the Special Projects Department alone..”

“You could always do something to Angel and blame it all on Gavin. Then not only would Gavin be getting some much needed slack and possible torture but it would also get Angel off your back for a while.”  I nodded when she said Wolfram & Hart didn’t want her running Special Projects alone. “They made us run it together. I guess they have made it abundantly clear they aren’t going to hand you anything. But that’s never stopped you before.” I believed in her abilities absolutely but I also know that if anyone deserved a break it was her. Pausing for a moment before asking “Why do you keep going back?”

“I’ll think about it.” Io said when he mentioned setting Gavin up. I ate more of my food. When he asked why I keep going back to the firm I shrugged. “It’s not so bad all the time..”  I said as I sipped my drink.

I shook my head when she gave me the excuse that it wasn’t so bad all the time. “Are you going to tell me there are ‘good’ times? Even if, do they outweigh the bad?” I paused for a moment, looking into her eyes so she knew I was sincere “You are a brilliant lawyer, Lilah. You could go anywhere. Why do you stay?”

I sighed heavily, I know he’s right. “Well there’s my contract for one, the money, my mother..okay so mainly the contract and my mother.” I know that he knows about the contract since he signed one too,and even though he left the firm they still technically own him, or will when he dies. That’s the bonus of having signed a contract with a standard perpetuity clause.

I definitely understand the contract part and I have heard enough about Lilah’s mother to recognize her difficulties in that area. “I have a contract but you don’t see me tethered to a desk or blood on my hands.” I stopped to reorganize my words, trying not to make it sound as harsh as that. “It’s not easy to get away. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. It’s a constant challenge and I am never going to feel safe but I am safer now than I ever was in that office.” I may look over my shoulder now but it’s better than never letting anyone see my back for the possibility a knife would get shoved in it. “They may own your soul but that doesn’t mean you don’t have one.” Many would argue that she didn’t but I always knew different. I bring a hand to the side of her face, feeling like I am the only person who really sees her. “A piece of paper can’t tell you who you are. They own you - not your choices. They covet basic universal ideals such as free will and love.”

“So you’re saying I should be like you and be on the run for the rest of my life just waiting for the day they finally catch up to me? No thanks I’d rather stay here.” I know that he’s probably right,but I don’t really like the idea of it even if it did possibly mean I could be with him. “And I know I have choices still hoew do you think I manage to get away with half of what I do there?”

“Being on the run always looking over my shoulder is better than running evil errands while having an axe constantly hung over my head. It may be easier to be you but it’s safer to be me.” It also gets rid of all that pesky soul-harping. “Don’t you get tired of being their whipping post?” Bad is one thing, evil is another. I shake my head when she mentions getting away with things. “How long do you think that will last? One mistake. That’s all it takes. Then you won’t be on the run or looking over your shoulder because you’ll be dead. You won’t be worrying about anything because you’ll be dead. And then they really do own you. In Hell, free will isn’t really on the menu.” I sigh, turning to face forward again. “I’m not going to try to force your hand, Lilah. No one can get through that stubborn skull of yours. I know that…I just don’t want to be that one mistake that gets you killed.” Just sitting on this couch with me would be seen as conspiring with the enemy to the Senior Partners.

I sighed deeply. “Fine you have a point and it’s not like I’ve never thought of just giving it all up and leaving..like the night you left for instance..” God the day he shot up the board room and after when I went to see him I had seriously considered asking him to take me with him,but my damn pride and twisted sense of loyalty kept me from asking him. Trying to up and leave now though seems way too hard to even think about much less do,no matter how much he wants me to.

I know Lilah has this strange and deep need to remain loyal to the firm. It is all she knows. She has never been comfortable with change. I remembered when she had come to see me the night I left and the way I knew she’d wanted so badly to go with me but something in her stopped her from asking. At the time I thought that it wasn’t right to force her hand. I thought she had to choose for herself. But, now, I see that it might have been better to give her a push in the right direction. “I would have taken you with me in a heartbeat if you’d only asked.” I looked over to her “You know that right?”

“Yeah I know you would have and maybe I would’ve said yes.. I don’t know..,but I can’t just up and leave…” I’m not sure why I keep telling him no I know he’s right about the firm. I sighed. “Okay say I decided to leave where the hell would we go?”

It took me a second to register what she said and what it entailed. It obviously wasn’t her signing up for anything but the fact that she would consider it is something. “Lilah, it…doesn’t matter.” It had just occurred to me that it really didn’t. Where isn’t the question, it’s the who that matters now. “Paris, London, Chicago, hell, we can go to Ohio for all I care. Being on the run is sort of like being on a really dangerous cruise, you get to go to a lot of new places.” You come to realize that even the most beautiful places on Earth are rather dismal with no one to share them with. “I know it may sound selfish but I can’t be alone anymore.” If that meant her staying at the firm and me sticking around until the Senior Partners got wise and snatched me up then at least it would be better than dying alone in some ditch in the middle of nowhere. “I tried staying away from you and it wasn’t very successful the first time around. I don’t the second will prove any different.”

“You do realize that those three places all have a Wolfram and Hart branch in them.. ” I pointed out as he went on. I smiled though when he said that he didn’t want to be away from me again. “Worked well enough for a good while before now..”

I rolled my eyes when she pointed out that the three places I mentioned contained Wolfram & Hart branches. “You know what I meant. Besides, we wouldn’t be there long. You come, you go, like gypsies.” That way no one tracks you down. When she smiles I can’t help but do the same. It faded, however, when she said I had done a good job of staying away before now. “Seems that way doesn’t it? Same as how I thought you were doing fine without me until I come here to find that isn’t the case.” She wasn’t there to know how hard it was without her. How badly I wanted to go back or how guilty I felt for not taking her with me. “Nothing is really the same without you. You are a very hard woman to forget, Lilah Morgan.”

“If I was going to leave I’d want to actually be able to settle down in whatever the new place was,like oh say a small island beach somewhere.” I told him when he started in about not staying long and gypsies. When he said that I was hard to forget I smiled. “Good to know that you thought about me since you left..”

I nodded in understanding at her wanting to settle down. “It’s never going to be that easy. But, if you think of it, are you really settled here? This apartment isn’t really a safe haven from any evil that already surrounds your life.” I didn’t want to be harsh about how fucked up her life already was but I wanted her to understand that there was no safe. Not here - not anywhere. There was just different states of mind, different lifestyles. And surely she would rather not work for the very people who put the blood on her hands to begin with. I shook my head when she seemed pleased that I had thought of her while I was gone. “You’re all I thought about” might as well be honest. I might be deceptive and a tad morally skewed but I had grown to understand that lying only brought me more confusion in a time when I needed to be clear headed and not worried about silly things like masked feelings. “Well, that and surviving” I smirked “That was also a priority.”

“Good to know I made the priority list and this whole honesty shtick you’ve got going is mildly entertaining too. As for the being settled here yeah I kind of Am, I mean all my stuff is here I like my lifestyle..well the being rich and my day never being boring parts anyway. I knew what I was signing up for when I told Holland yes,well as much as any of us do I guess,but I don’t have just me to think about..” I reminded him.

“This ‘honesty shtick’ is what can be blamed for me telling you that you are being highly illogical right now and that your reasoning is slightly delusional.” I smirked at the toying with honesty. I paused, however, when she said she was comfortable in her life here. “They’ll kill you, Lilah. You know they will. They don’t give a shit about you.” When she said she knew what she signed up for I couldn’t help but laugh a little bitterly “That is a load of nicely rehearsed bullshit. When you signed up for Wolfram & Hart did you ever suspect you would see co-workers get shot between the eyes right in front of you?” The memory of Lee falling lifeless to the floor came to my mind. “Or how about locking away innocent people for the rest of their lives. No, wait, one better, your colleague beating the shit out of you because of some weird-mojo-magic that makes guys testerone-driven-demons. Did you sign up for that?” My voice was getting louder than I wanted it to be. I didn’t come here looking for a fight that’s for sure. I sighed, leaning back on the couch “What are you talking about?” I asked about her having to think of other people.

I ignored pretty much everything he said up until he got to the part about Gavin. “How do you eve know about that?” He shouldn’t know about that,enough people know about that than I’d like already. I sighed when he asked what I was talking about when I said other people. “You don’t remember?” I’d only taken him with me the once when I went to visit my mother and that was only,because he’d refused to leave me alone about it. It had been just around Christmas and he’d heard me on the phone with her. After that he spent a full three weeks bugging the hell out of me until I caved and said he could come along.

I frowned at her change in the subject. “Man beats co-worker to a bloody pulp.” I spoke as if were a headline. “Wasn’t hard information to get my hands on. I still have a few connections in the firm. Just to keep me one step ahead.” When she mentioned her mother I nodded deeply, the thought having just dawned on me. I had met Lilah’s mother once before and I would be lying if I said she wasn’t highly entertaining. The woman was obviously mentally impaired, most of her memory missing, but she seemed to have an infinite supply of things to say about Lilah and the nurses at the hospital. I have a family too. Not that I get to see them much. I try to keep them under wraps as much as possible so the firm won’t try to use them as bait. “There are other hospitals who could take equal care of her.”

“I’ll think about it.” I sighed. Why the hell did he have to make it seem like running away with him was such a damn romantic thing?!  “But you should go..” I can’t really think straight when he’s around. Things tend to get hazy decision making wise when ever he’s around.

Hearing that she’ll think about it is enough for me. I know that she will at least take it into consideration which is as much as I can hope for. It isn’t as if her leaving or staying would affect me much. But, there is a part of me that can’t watch her suffer knowing that I can help. I am not sure if it is my twisted sense of humanity and compassion or if it is just her. Nodding when she tells me I should go, I stand up from the couch. “Yes, you’re probably right. I’ll come back in a week or two. By then you should have made a decision. If it’s no then you don’t have to worry about me bothering you anymore or putting you in anymore danger by me being here.” I smiled at her in a way that said a lot of things I didn’t have the guts to say but mostly it was a partial goodbye.

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lindseymcdonaldrp)
3 years ago on 8 June 2011 @ 10:25pm 82 notes

Femme Fatale: But I've only just begun to say hello.

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It hadn’t been but a few days since I held a gun to Lilah’s head, slept with her, then she held the same gun to me before high-tailing it out of my home and back to Los Angeles.

I could have let it go. ‘Could’ being the operative word here.

[Present time]

*Standing in…

I chuckle under my breath “The look on your face is reason enough.” Looking her over once before taking a sip of my scotch and shrugging. “What can I say? You’re a good fuck and hilarious to torment. Or maybe I’m just a masochist. Either way, i figured if you get to make a house call then I am reserved one as well.”

I sighed and continued to glare at him. “Go home Lindsey I have nothing more to say to you.” I can tell from here that he’s not drinking coffee, which, means he’s been in my liquor cabinet.

I downed the rest of the scotch, placing the cup in the sink before meeting her glare again “Don’t act like you don’t want this. As I recall, you practically invented the term ‘fuck-buddies’ when I worked at Wolfram & Hart. How is that going by the way? Not so good I hear.”

“Work is fine and you can leave now.” I said as I moved past him. I just wanted to take a long bubble bath and have a glass of wine,but no now I have to deal with him.

“I could, but that doesn’t seem like me at all.” Normally, I would find a girl in a bar with loose morals and a tight skirt if I wanted some. But, Lilah…well, Lilah’s something else entirely. She’s a challenge, she’s a game I need to win. I have my standards but I also have my pride and it’s been hit one too many times by this woman to not want to hit back. “How about-” I grab her arm as she goes to walk by me and pull her close enough to feel her breath on my skin. “I stay and give you a release for all that psycho-bitch anger you have built up?” She’ll cave, she always does. Of course, she’s the one who always leaves me high and dry in the end anyways.

I sighed in annoyance and pulled out of his grip. “How about you leave now before I shoot you.” I’m not in the mood to deal with him or his little petty games tonight. I went to make my way towards my bedroom again. the threat to shoot him would normally be just an idle threat,and it is for now,but I know that he knows I’ll hardly think twice before shooting him if he keeps this up.

Oh, so she’s going to play it like this. She can make house calls but I can’t? Now, that just doesn’t seem fair to me. I have no doubt in mind that Lilah would shoot me if it came down to it but I know she wouldn’t ruin her carpet because of a small inconvenience such as this. “You seemed to like my gun a few days ago. You want to shoot me? Fine. Not like I would be missed and I am sure Wolfram & Hart would applaud your ethics.” I shrugged dismissively. I have gone so far past the point of caring about living or dying. I was invisible now, no one knew who I was or where I would be. I am a ghost. I can do whatever I damn well please and right now it just happens to be Lilah. “But, you could be so kind as to grant my last request.” I followed her the few steps she’d taken. The thing that makes Lilah and I most alike is our stubbornness. We don’t give up. We either win or lose or kill each other. 

“Oh shut up I’m not going to shoot you.” I sighed suddenly more tired than before. “You can stay if you want,but I’m going to go take a bubble bath…alone.”   I know I should care more if he stays,but I’m just too exhausted to really care.  Plus maybe I missed him.

I recognized that look. The 38-hour-work-day look. The I-just-want-to-sleep-where-I-stand face. Yes, I know it well. Wolfram & Hart can take a lot out of a person, everything if you’re not careful. I know I should choose to either leave for good or continue my argument on getting laid but I don’t think I will just yet. Lilah wasn’t one to let people stay the night, under any circumstance. Of course, she could just be waiting for me to fall asleep so she can call W&H to tell them I am within snatching distance. Good thing I am not half as tired as Lilah looks. “Fine. But this isn’t over” I smirk with those words and motion for her to continue on to the bathroom. I must say, I do love our sick games.

I grabbed my ihome player, my silk short green nightgown, and matching robe. I then walked into the bathroom. I set the player on the bench that was near the tub,then after hitting play on the player and filling the tub with hot water and bubbles  I slipped into the warm bubble bath. A song that I’m sure no one would expect me to like came on and I turned it up.

“Well our love story reads like a book of lies

Good intentions, better alibis

No happy endings, no straight lines

No movin’ on, but no goodbyes

This bittersweet revelry, will be the death of me

Chorus:

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

And you would think that we’d get enough

You know we’re goin’ to fuck it up

We’re holdin’ on and sinking down

Here we go round and round

Making circles

Making circles

We both need to lead, while we dance alone

One more graceful spin, on who’s right or wrong

The same old words, the same old song

Maybe we’re right, where we belong

It can’t get much better, it sure can’t get worse

Well ether way you turn, it’s gonna hurt

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

You’d think that we had had enough

Be sick and tired of fuckin’ up

Holdin’ on, sinkin’ down

Here we go round and round”

I heard the music drift from the bathroom and immediately and subconsciously began to sing along. Music is a weakness of mine, I must admit. It wasn’t until the song was partially over that I realized it seemed an odd choice for Lilah. Not bad, just not expected.

I stood for only a few seconds before setting out to explore her apartment. Not much had changed. Her clothes were impeccably folded and color coordinated - as always. The woman must have OCD and I mean the series illness, not the funny-self-diagnosed version. There’s a possibility I am looking for personal things, like what she’s been up to or who with. It’s a possibility is all I’m saying.

For the past months of isolation, staying hidden from the eyes of the Senior Partners, has been tedious, monotonous, and most important - boring. I think that is what keeps me coming back to Lilah, or at least allows me to tolerate her. She is absolutely never boring. No matter how bitchy, it isn’t boring and god have I been bored. Maybe playing this game with her will be a good break from these past few months of torture.

I was still in the tub humming along to the song until it finished. My closet is where most of my most personal items are kept. Their in the hatbox that sits on the top shelf. I also had some work related stuff in my desk in the living room too.  I got out of tub,grabbed a towel and started to dry off. I’m sure that he’s snooping and I should be pissed by that fact,but it’s not like he’ll find anything *that* interesting unless he looks through the hat box.

I whistled as I sat down at her desk, pulling out drawers and having a look around. I am sure most anyone at Wolfram & Hart would love to get their hands on these files. But Lilah was smart. She didn’t keep anything really important in the open. Those things were password and firewall protected on her laptop. If I had more time I’m sure I could crack it but it’s not really of the essence right now. Her work life as of vague interest to me. I would like to know what’s been going on since I’ve been gone and how high up the corporate ladder she has gotten but I can ask her those questions. No, I want to know the things that Lilah would never give up willingly. Not finding much in the desk, I got up and walked into her bedroom. The closet door was left open from when she had retrieved her clothes. There were several boxes lining the top. Most of them were shoes but one was old and unlabeled so I figured ‘what the hell’. Couldn’t hurt. I took it down and opened the lid. Jackpot. Jackpot in Los Vegas. This is gold. Pictures from god knows when were all stuffed around the edges, along with letters and cards and all sorts of things. I set on her bed and pulled out a stack of pictures, thumbing through them. 

The pictures were of me as a kid and my parents, one of my college sweetheart and I, letters from him,my parents and  my letter from Wolfram and Hart and some other things like my ballet slippers,the silver locket my father gave me,his law degree from Yale and mine and several other things.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the pictures. The thought of Lilah ever being anything other then what she is right now was humorous as well as fascinating. There are two of her as a kid. One was a school photo, probably around 3rd grade. The other was a family photo, just as young. I held up the school photo. How could Lilah Morgan look so…cute. Yes, cute is definitely the word. Adorable more like. She had curly pigtails for gods sake. This is too good to be true. I slip the photo into my pocket before going back to looking through the box. She looks so happy in her photos. The ballet slippers are old and worn, she must have been pretty good. I wonder who this girl is. “Who are you?” I saw out loud, flipping through the letters. It seems a little too personal to read the letters. Wolfram & Hart’s influence on me makes me almost open them, they have infused sneakiness and suspicion into me but I retain my moral value. I put them back, only stopping to take the family photo out and placing it in the corner of her bedroom mirror. Even Lilah needs a reminder of who she was. It would probably do her good. I put the box back precisely where I found it and flop down on the bed.

I came out of the bathroom in the nightgown and robe that I’d brought in with me,to find Lindsey lounging on my bed looking for all the world like he was quite at home here. I looked at him,then around the room and that’s when I saw the photo of me and my parents on my vanity mirror. I walked over to the vanity and grabbed the picture,before turning around to face him again. I’m not even sure what to say to him since I knew he’d go through things, so I just glanced at the photo then looked back at him speechless.

When Lilah came out of the bathroom my eyes widened “Woah”. I had never seen her without make-up before. She looked years younger as if a shell had been shipped away. When Lilah grabbed the photo and looked at me, I just raised an eyebrow as if to say I had no idea what she was talking about. “Is that before your mom got sick?” I asked, playing dumb as to how it got there just to avoid the conversation.

“Yeah and before my dad died..” I sat down on the bed with him. “So you went through my stuff..”

I pulled myself up on my elbows when she sat down next to me. “Can I ask how he died?” Knowing Lilah it would probably be stepping over a load of boundaries but it never hurts to ask. She had never brought him up intentionally in the past. I cocked my head to the side when she mentioned me going through her stuff. “And you expected me not to? I’m hurt.” She’d do the same to me and everyone knows it. “I did not read your letters though. For us that’s almost like respecting someone’s privacy.” I said in mock pride of my restraint.

I looked at him when he asked about my father. I sighed. “It was a plane crash on his way home from a business trip in Rome.” When he started in about how great it was of him that he didn’t read the letters I smirked. “Yeah I guess that qualifies…”

I just blinked for a moment when she spoke of her father’s death. One, because I didn’t think she would actually tell me and two, that sounds like a terrible way to go. “How old were you?”

I chuckled at her reply to my nosiness. “It’s a start.” 

“I was eight.” I told him. When he said it was a start as far of him not reading the letters. “Yeah..” I idlely wonder how long it’ll be before he goes back to wanting to screw me.

“Eight? That’s young.” Of course, my background isn’t extremely different but it is always depressing to think other people have to go through the same thing. It isn’t shocking though, seeing as how she turned out - completely inside herself, shielded. It’s understandable if you try to understand. 

It seemed the shower had woken her up enough to not be annoyed by my presence but she still looked exhausted. “How opposed would you be to the idea of me staying here tonight?” I certainly can’t buy a hotel room in this town without someone spotting me and reporting me to Wolfram & Hart. 

“Yeah I know it was pretty bad.” When he asked if he could stay the night, I nodded. “You can stay tonight,I’ll show you the guestroom.” I went to get up brushing against him a little.

I nodded knowingly. It always is. When she gets up to show me the guest room I grab her arm and pull her back to the bed. “Lilah, don’t you think we are a little beyond guests?” This, of course, could end me up with a door slammed in my face but it’s worth the risk. But, it’s up to her. I am not in the habit of forcing decisions on Lilah Morgan. She doesn’t take kindly to that.

“Lindsey… it’s late I’m tired…” I said even though I didn’t move out of his grasp. I know he has a point,but I just don’t fully trust him, plus there’s the fact that if he stays in here I won’t get any sleep.

“Who said you had to do anything but sleep?” I asked. She knows that if she were up to it then we would be doing something completely different right now but having sex with someone who’s half asleep doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either of us. I notice she doesn’t pull away so I take it as an invite to pull her back toward the middle of the bed so she can lay down. “I’ve seen your guest bed, thanks but no thanks.” As if this entire conversation was based on my comfort. If there is one thing Lilah and I can appreciate whole-heartedly, other than a glass of scotch, it’s a warm body. 

I sighed. “Fine you can stay.” I said as I let him pull me onto the bed. I laid down and despite my better judgment I kissed him. I might regret this in the morning,but it feels like the okay thing to do today.

If I  thought I was surprised when she let me stay without a fight, I definitely was when she kissed me. My eyes widened slightly before letting them close. She must either be too tired to cognitively process that this isn’t the wisest of decisions or perhaps she actually did want this. It seemed far-fetched that Lilah and I’s intentions would ever coincide when it comes to one another. But here it is. I take the kiss for everything she is willing to let it be, running my hands under her robe. I would be okay with just sleeping if that’s what she preferred but the alternative is always an option as well.

After a few moments of kissing and groping I came up for air, looked at the clock then got under the covers. I didn’t say anything I just laid down my head on his chest. Sleep was quickly catching up to me. I closed my eyes. “Don’t leave..” I murmured sleepily before I finally fell asleep.  I really hope he’s still here when I wake up, because I don’t think I could take it again if he left. The last time he was here and I just slept was the night Lee died, I’d asked him to come over,because I didn’t want to be alone.

When she laid down on the bed with me, she looked so comfortable that I didn’t bother to move her to take off my pants or shirt, just let her lay her head on my chest. The moment was increasingly fragile and I wouldn’t dare break it for her and my sake. When she asks me not to leave I am slightly taken aback from the sheet openness of the statement but I nod, running a hand through her hair “I won’t.” And it’s true - I won’t. I think I have seriously underestimated the stress and emotional strain Lilah has been under since I left. I feel guilty for not thinking of her side of it before now. This moment reminds me of the last time we were in this position. Lee’s death. The thought of it makes me pull her closer, wrapping both arms around her. “Sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

I smiled and snuggled up to him more. “I missed you” I said still only barely awake. I’d almost forgotten how good his arms felt holding me. I also realized how much I’ve not only missed having him around,but this just laying here with him. Before Angel came along things were pretty good,we were on top of of game work wise and I had him to run to if I needed to,then everything changed. I’d like to think it was Angel coming to town,but I know that he wasn’t the sole cause of everything getting turned upside down. Things have been even worse since Lindsey left though, I’m treading water trying to keep from drowning. Then of course there’s the daily desire to either have Gavin killed or do it with my bare hands.

“I missed you too.” Terribly so, but I never suspected she felt the same. We have both done very well of either hiding our emotions or making it appear as if we despise each other. We were so good act acting in fact, we started believing it to some extent. But I never forgot what we used to be and those thoughts only got more intense when I left and hadn’t seen her in months. I miss not being able to come to her with problems and get her no-nonsense advice. I miss not being able to see her everyday at work. But, most of all, I miss having someone to do this with, just hold with no expectation of anything more. I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. If I still remember how she is under stress, she rarely sleeps through the night. God knows she needs it though.

I slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t feel stressed or anything like I normally do, and the nightmares didn’t come for once either.

I am not sure when exactly it was that I fell asleep but I wake up hours later to the sound of her alarm clock. Skillfully, I reach over to turn it off without moving her. She hasn’t moved a muscle from last night - dead to the world. We both slept without disruption which is not common, and it isn’t due to her comfy mattress. It would spark suspicion for her not to come into work today. For one, Lilah never misses work…I mean, ever, for whatever reason. I run a hand through her hair “Lilah…Lilah, wake up.”

“Mmm.. five more minutes..” I didn’t want to go into work today. Plus my bed is comfy and I have no plans to leave it at least not this early. I know I should care that I’ll miss work,but I just can’t bring myself to deal with the hell that is work right now. No I’m going to stay in my nice little sanctuary.

I chuckled when she asked for 5 more minutes. “Whatever you want.” I would prefer she never went back but that’s just me. “How about, I make breakfast and I’ll wake you up when it’s done?” I said, moving to get out of bed. 

“Mmm yeah that sounds great,you do that I’m going to stay here.” It was warm and comfy. “I should have all needed supplies.”

I just laughed at her. She was half-asleep and barely understandable, but I got the gist. She mentioned having all the supplies. I have my doubts on that. Lilah was never a sit down and make a meal kind of person; she was too on the go. “If I open the fridge and all that’s there is Vodka and cold pizza then I hope you know I will concoct a pizza-tonic-omelet. Don’t think I won’t.” I could see I was loosing her again to sleep so I made my way to the kitchen.

Honestly I was way too tired to remember if that’s really all there was in my fridge,but it sounds like stuff I’d have, especially the vodka. I’ve got cash though so he could go out and stock up on food, the actual cookware and dishes I have all stacked in the cabinets I just seldom if ever use them. I stayed in bed snuggling up to his pillow and pulling the covers over myself more.

I open the fridge and am not shocked whatsoever to see that there is virtually nothing in it. It’s mostly condiments, a few take out boxes, and some randomly assorted tidbits that I are probably past their expiration date anyway. This is Lilah, a key Wolfram & Hart employee. It is not surprising for her to put food on the back burner. I can remember those days. Choosing an alternative method, I grabbed my wallet and left her apartment, getting into my car and going to the store. I picked up a little of a lot of things. So that she wouldn’t have an excuse not to put something together in the morning or grab something at night. Also, I got a to-go breakfast from the cafe on the way to her place. Walking back into her apartment, I set the breakfast on the table and put the bags on her counter. Making breakfast would have to wait for another day, If she’d have me that is.

By the time he’d come back I was up and in the shower. I’m still not sure about going into the office now that he’s here, mainly because I know they do ‘random’ mind reader sweeps and then there’s the fact that I just want to stay here with him. I could call out, lord knows I’ve got enough sick time and vacation days racked up that I’d have no problem taking advantage of.

I can hear the shower running so I set the food out so it will be waiting when she gets out. I wonder if she is going into work late or at all. It is past the time she normally shows up is why I am wondering. On one hand, I would like nothing more than for her to stay here with me all day and not have a single desire to go to work. Yet, on the other hand, I know the firm and what they are capable of. I don’t want them to have any reason to doubt her. 

I got dressed and picked up my cell,I called the office and said I was sick and won’t be coming in. After that I went to see Lindsey. “Hey, you bought food..” I said as I noticed the container. I called the office.. so I’m yours for the day.”

I turned around when she mentioned breakfast. “Yes, as it turns out, the contents of your fridgerator are all but nonexistent so I also bought something to fill it with.” I smirked but it fell away when she mentioned calling in sick. I should be happy that she would go through the effort to spend this time with me, and I am, but I have lived a life of constant worry and suspicion for a while now. Thinking of all the possible bad outcomes is sort of a habit of mine. “Aren’t you worried they’ll get suspicious. I mean, when’s the last time you took off work?”

“Thanks and I’ve called out at least once before so it;ll be fine. So you’ll be fine.” I smiled and picked up the box. I opened it and smiled when I saw it was chocolate pancakes my favorite. “You always did know me best..”

Nodding when she said everything would be fine, I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” Not like that hasn’t happened in the past or anything. I smile when she notices the chocolate pancakes. Holding a fork I reply “Well, of course, we were around each other day in and day out. I am probably the only person who has seen you literally pass out from sleep deprivation too.” Being partners at Wolfram & Hart usually led to one killing the other or some sort of pseudo-sexual relationship. “You always fascinated me.” That was definitely true. Lilah was just as predictable as she was unpredictable which made her such a challenge to figure out. The fun part being that you never would.

“Yeah so that explains how you’d know my favorite foods and how I like my coffee.” I smiled when he said I fascinated him, he’s not the first guy to tell me that of course,but it means more coming from him. I took the fork and pulled out his arms. I sat down on the sofa with the food. “So..”

“I am sure I know a lot of menial information about you.” Just little tid bits I picked up here and there over the years. For example, I know when she’s nervous she touches her neck a lot. Why do I know this? Not sure. Just something I’ve noticed. I frown slightly when she pulls away to go sit in the living room. My eyebrow goes up questioningly with her word “so…” which I can only imagine I am supposed to lead up with something but I have no idea what. “So…what?” I grab my container and a fork and sit on the sofa facing her instead of with her because I am not sure where this conversation is about to go but I figure I better play it safe for the time being.

We’ve spent enough years together that we’ve both picked up on certain things. like when he’s annoyed or tired. “It’s been awful since you left, Nathan Reed’s replacement is worse than him and I just want to kill your replacement.”

I pick my food up and set it on the coffee table in between the sofas before sitting next to her. We were lucky to have Holland as a boss. He was a Wolfram & Hart employee and he knew his job title but he wasn’t a monster and that’s more than you can ask for at the firm. I can only imagine who she is working with now. “And here I thought I was a pain in the ass to work with you.” I smirk, trying to lift her spirits but I abandon that approach because of all people I know this isn’t a laughing matter. “You understand why I left right? That I had too…It wasn’t to hurt you.” I never meant to do that. I knew it was necessary to do what I had to do, but I had no idea it would be to this extent. It is now, when she is opening up to me, that the guilt over causing her pain hits me.

I sighed. “I sort of get why you had to I just don’t think you should’ve left still. Things were bearable for about a month after you left,but that was before Nathan left too. After he left Linwood Murrow stepped in..” Linwood was a full fledged member of the firm’s boys club only  style. “And Gavin tried to start with me the day we met…bastard had the IT tech hook him up to my printer..”

“They would have killed you if I’d stayed.” I put it honestly. We both know they would promote a man over a woman any day at W&H.
I can’t help but laugh when she mentions the people she is working with now. “You can tell from their names. Linwood Murrow? Sounds like a paper company. I half expect to see it on the side of a scanner at the post office. And ‘Gavin’, was he born with a sweater vest and a mini golf club in his hand?” I am only laughing harder now. “He sounds like a prick.” I want to meet these people, see what they’re really like. But, I wouldn’t make such a rookie mistake. “I’m sure you give them hell. I bet you have some pretty great stories too.” Lilah was known for her retaliation and it was legendary. “I mean, what kind of things have they done?” I am not sure I should really know these things because it is in the past and getting mad about it know wont do any good but I still want to know. 

“Linwood goes back and forth as to which one of us he likes more on any given day and there’s just the general him being a total ass. As for Gavin he tried to tell me I should team up with him,and that I only got your old office and promotion for a reason other than having earned it. He then tried to tell me that the way to bring Angel down was to drown him in red tape,which I told him wouldn’t work and a week later I locked him in a room with a bunch of poisonous snakes.”

Lilah and I had had our fights at the firm, that was for sure. But it was more like malicious pranks back and forth not this undermining bullshit with not even a hint of a joke involved. They just sounded like greedy bastards. “Red tape? He came to you with red tape? And Linwood actually ‘likes’ this guy? He doesn’t sound like a parter so much as a peon.” When she mentions the snakes I chuckle, putting an arm around her shoulders and squeezing lightly “That’s my girl. And I suppose the bastard still lived despite all the efforts.” 

“Yeah apparently Gavin assumed I play well with others and that his plan was brilliant….Yeah he lived…” I smiled when he called me his girl and I moved into his touch. “At least when we fought it was more entertaining and the make up was worth it..”

“Play well with others? Doesn’t a mouse recognize a cat when it sees one?” It was often that people would underestimate Lilah, their mistake of course, but it was common. Woman were not taken as seriously at Wolfram & Hart which gave Lilah the pleasure of proving them all so very very wrong. I can imagine it got tiresome though. I smiled when she mentioned their fights, allowing her to move closer. “Our fights were definitely amusing, as well as brutal and creative. The ‘make-up’ is probably the thing I looked forward to most about coming into work. If not just you in general. Plus, if anyone else was as much fun to argue with then what would I be for?”

“Yeah our fights were better,close to legendary too.” I smiled he was right about his earlier comment about Gavin not being smart enough to know his place. “Gavin thinks he’s so damn brillant with all his stupid plans and such…his office isn’t even worth the effort to bother snooping in. He’s just some stupid rookie from the real estate division who has no clue how to play the game. Hell the only reason I even have to deal with him is, because they clearly didn’t want me to handle the Special Projects Department alone..”

“You could always do something to Angel and blame it all on Gavin. Then not only would Gavin be getting some much needed slack and possible torture but it would also get Angel off your back for a while.”  I nodded when she said Wolfram & Hart didn’t want her running Special Projects alone. “They made us run it together. I guess they have made it abundantly clear they aren’t going to hand you anything. But that’s never stopped you before.” I believed in her abilities absolutely but I also know that if anyone deserved a break it was her. Pausing for a moment before asking “Why do you keep going back?”

“I’ll think about it.” Io said when he mentioned setting Gavin up. I ate more of my food. When he asked why I keep going back to the firm I shrugged. “It’s not so bad all the time..”  I said as I sipped my drink.

I shook my head when she gave me the excuse that it wasn’t so bad all the time. “Are you going to tell me there are ‘good’ times? Even if, do they outweigh the bad?” I paused for a moment, looking into her eyes so she knew I was sincere “You are a brilliant lawyer, Lilah. You could go anywhere. Why do you stay?”

I sighed heavily, I know he’s right. “Well there’s my contract for one, the money, my mother..okay so mainly the contract and my mother.” I know that he knows about the contract since he signed one too,and even though he left the firm they still technically own him, or will when he dies. That’s the bonus of having signed a contract with a standard perpetuity clause.

I definitely understand the contract part and I have heard enough about Lilah’s mother to recognize her difficulties in that area. “I have a contract but you don’t see me tethered to a desk or blood on my hands.” I stopped to reorganize my words, trying not to make it sound as harsh as that. “It’s not easy to get away. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. It’s a constant challenge and I am never going to feel safe but I am safer now than I ever was in that office.” I may look over my shoulder now but it’s better than never letting anyone see my back for the possibility a knife would get shoved in it. “They may own your soul but that doesn’t mean you don’t have one.” Many would argue that she didn’t but I always knew different. I bring a hand to the side of her face, feeling like I am the only person who really sees her. “A piece of paper can’t tell you who you are. They own you - not your choices. They covet basic universal ideals such as free will and love.”

“So you’re saying I should be like you and be on the run for the rest of my life just waiting for the day they finally catch up to me? No thanks I’d rather stay here.” I know that he’s probably right,but I don’t really like the idea of it even if it did possibly mean I could be with him. “And I know I have choices still hoew do you think I manage to get away with half of what I do there?”

“Being on the run always looking over my shoulder is better than running evil errands while having an axe constantly hung over my head. It may be easier to be you but it’s safer to be me.” It also gets rid of all that pesky soul-harping. “Don’t you get tired of being their whipping post?” Bad is one thing, evil is another. I shake my head when she mentions getting away with things. “How long do you think that will last? One mistake. That’s all it takes. Then you won’t be on the run or looking over your shoulder because you’ll be dead. You won’t be worrying about anything because you’ll be dead. And then they really do own you. In Hell, free will isn’t really on the menu.” I sigh, turning to face forward again. “I’m not going to try to force your hand, Lilah. No one can get through that stubborn skull of yours. I know that…I just don’t want to be that one mistake that gets you killed.” Just sitting on this couch with me would be seen as conspiring with the enemy to the Senior Partners.

I sighed deeply. “Fine you have a point and it’s not like I’ve never thought of just giving it all up and leaving..like the night you left for instance..” God the day he shot up the board room and after when I went to see him I had seriously considered asking him to take me with him,but my damn pride and twisted sense of loyalty kept me from asking him. Trying to up and leave now though seems way too hard to even think about much less do,no matter how much he wants me to.

I know Lilah has this strange and deep need to remain loyal to the firm. It is all she knows. She has never been comfortable with change. I remembered when she had come to see me the night I left and the way I knew she’d wanted so badly to go with me but something in her stopped her from asking. At the time I thought that it wasn’t right to force her hand. I thought she had to choose for herself. But, now, I see that it might have been better to give her a push in the right direction. “I would have taken you with me in a heartbeat if you’d only asked.” I looked over to her “You know that right?”

“Yeah I know you would have and maybe I would’ve said yes.. I don’t know..,but I can’t just up and leave…” I’m not sure why I keep telling him no I know he’s right about the firm. I sighed. “Okay say I decided to leave where the hell would we go?”

It took me a second to register what she said and what it entailed. It obviously wasn’t her signing up for anything but the fact that she would consider it is something. “Lilah, it…doesn’t matter.” It had just occurred to me that it really didn’t. Where isn’t the question, it’s the who that matters now. “Paris, London, Chicago, hell, we can go to Ohio for all I care. Being on the run is sort of like being on a really dangerous cruise, you get to go to a lot of new places.” You come to realize that even the most beautiful places on Earth are rather dismal with no one to share them with. “I know it may sound selfish but I can’t be alone anymore.” If that meant her staying at the firm and me sticking around until the Senior Partners got wise and snatched me up then at least it would be better than dying alone in some ditch in the middle of nowhere. “I tried staying away from you and it wasn’t very successful the first time around. I don’t the second will prove any different.”

“You do realize that those three places all have a Wolfram and Hart branch in them.. ” I pointed out as he went on. I smiled though when he said that he didn’t want to be away from me again. “Worked well enough for a good while before now..”

I rolled my eyes when she pointed out that the three places I mentioned contained Wolfram & Hart branches. “You know what I meant. Besides, we wouldn’t be there long. You come, you go, like gypsies.” That way no one tracks you down. When she smiles I can’t help but do the same. It faded, however, when she said I had done a good job of staying away before now. “Seems that way doesn’t it? Same as how I thought you were doing fine without me until I come here to find that isn’t the case.” She wasn’t there to know how hard it was without her. How badly I wanted to go back or how guilty I felt for not taking her with me. “Nothing is really the same without you. You are a very hard woman to forget, Lilah Morgan.”

“If I was going to leave I’d want to actually be able to settle down in whatever the new place was,like oh say a small island beach somewhere.” I told him when he started in about not staying long and gypsies. When he said that I was hard to forget I smiled. “Good to know that you thought about me since you left..”

I nodded in understanding at her wanting to settle down. “It’s never going to be that easy. But, if you think of it, are you really settled here? This apartment isn’t really a safe haven from any evil that already surrounds your life.” I didn’t want to be harsh about how fucked up her life already was but I wanted her to understand that there was no safe. Not here - not anywhere. There was just different states of mind, different lifestyles. And surely she would rather not work for the very people who put the blood on her hands to begin with. I shook my head when she seemed pleased that I had thought of her while I was gone. “You’re all I thought about” might as well be honest. I might be deceptive and a tad morally skewed but I had grown to understand that lying only brought me more confusion in a time when I needed to be clear headed and not worried about silly things like masked feelings. “Well, that and surviving” I smirked “That was also a priority.”

“Good to know I made the priority list and this whole honesty shtick you’ve got going is mildly entertaining too. As for the being settled here yeah I kind of Am, I mean all my stuff is here I like my lifestyle..well the being rich and my day never being boring parts anyway. I knew what I was signing up for when I told Holland yes,well as much as any of us do I guess,but I don’t have just me to think about..” I reminded him.

“This ‘honesty shtick’ is what can be blamed for me telling you that you are being highly illogical right now and that your reasoning is slightly delusional.” I smirked at the toying with honesty. I paused, however, when she said she was comfortable in her life here. “They’ll kill you, Lilah. You know they will. They don’t give a shit about you.” When she said she knew what she signed up for I couldn’t help but laugh a little bitterly “That is a load of nicely rehearsed bullshit. When you signed up for Wolfram & Hart did you ever suspect you would see co-workers get shot between the eyes right in front of you?” The memory of Lee falling lifeless to the floor came to my mind. “Or how about locking away innocent people for the rest of their lives. No, wait, one better, your colleague beating the shit out of you because of some weird-mojo-magic that makes guys testerone-driven-demons. Did you sign up for that?” My voice was getting louder than I wanted it to be. I didn’t come here looking for a fight that’s for sure. I sighed, leaning back on the couch “What are you talking about?” I asked about her having to think of other people.

I ignored pretty much everything he said up until he got to the part about Gavin. “How do you eve know about that?” He shouldn’t know about that,enough people know about that than I’d like already. I sighed when he asked what I was talking about when I said other people. “You don’t remember?” I’d only taken him with me the once when I went to visit my mother and that was only,because he’d refused to leave me alone about it. It had been just around Christmas and he’d heard me on the phone with her. After that he spent a full three weeks bugging the hell out of me until I caved and said he could come along.

I frowned at her change in the subject. “Man beats co-worker to a bloody pulp.” I spoke as if were a headline. “Wasn’t hard information to get my hands on. I still have a few connections in the firm. Just to keep me one step ahead.” When she mentioned her mother I nodded deeply, the thought having just dawned on me. I had met Lilah’s mother once before and I would be lying if I said she wasn’t highly entertaining. The woman was obviously mentally impaired, most of her memory missing, but she seemed to have an infinite supply of things to say about Lilah and the nurses at the hospital. I have a family too. Not that I get to see them much. I try to keep them under wraps as much as possible so the firm won’t try to use them as bait. “There are other hospitals who could take equal care of her.”

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lindseymcdonaldrp)
3 years ago on 5 June 2011 @ 12:23am 82 notes

Femme Fatale: But I've only just begun to say hello.

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It hadn’t been but a few days since I held a gun to Lilah’s head, slept with her, then she held the same gun to me before high-tailing it out of my home and back to Los Angeles.

I could have let it go. ‘Could’ being the operative word here.

[Present time]

*Standing in…

I chuckle under my breath “The look on your face is reason enough.” Looking her over once before taking a sip of my scotch and shrugging. “What can I say? You’re a good fuck and hilarious to torment. Or maybe I’m just a masochist. Either way, i figured if you get to make a house call then I am reserved one as well.”

I sighed and continued to glare at him. “Go home Lindsey I have nothing more to say to you.” I can tell from here that he’s not drinking coffee, which, means he’s been in my liquor cabinet.

I downed the rest of the scotch, placing the cup in the sink before meeting her glare again “Don’t act like you don’t want this. As I recall, you practically invented the term ‘fuck-buddies’ when I worked at Wolfram & Hart. How is that going by the way? Not so good I hear.”

“Work is fine and you can leave now.” I said as I moved past him. I just wanted to take a long bubble bath and have a glass of wine,but no now I have to deal with him.

“I could, but that doesn’t seem like me at all.” Normally, I would find a girl in a bar with loose morals and a tight skirt if I wanted some. But, Lilah…well, Lilah’s something else entirely. She’s a challenge, she’s a game I need to win. I have my standards but I also have my pride and it’s been hit one too many times by this woman to not want to hit back. “How about-” I grab her arm as she goes to walk by me and pull her close enough to feel her breath on my skin. “I stay and give you a release for all that psycho-bitch anger you have built up?” She’ll cave, she always does. Of course, she’s the one who always leaves me high and dry in the end anyways.

I sighed in annoyance and pulled out of his grip. “How about you leave now before I shoot you.” I’m not in the mood to deal with him or his little petty games tonight. I went to make my way towards my bedroom again. the threat to shoot him would normally be just an idle threat,and it is for now,but I know that he knows I’ll hardly think twice before shooting him if he keeps this up.

Oh, so she’s going to play it like this. She can make house calls but I can’t? Now, that just doesn’t seem fair to me. I have no doubt in mind that Lilah would shoot me if it came down to it but I know she wouldn’t ruin her carpet because of a small inconvenience such as this. “You seemed to like my gun a few days ago. You want to shoot me? Fine. Not like I would be missed and I am sure Wolfram & Hart would applaud your ethics.” I shrugged dismissively. I have gone so far past the point of caring about living or dying. I was invisible now, no one knew who I was or where I would be. I am a ghost. I can do whatever I damn well please and right now it just happens to be Lilah. “But, you could be so kind as to grant my last request.” I followed her the few steps she’d taken. The thing that makes Lilah and I most alike is our stubbornness. We don’t give up. We either win or lose or kill each other. 

“Oh shut up I’m not going to shoot you.” I sighed suddenly more tired than before. “You can stay if you want,but I’m going to go take a bubble bath…alone.”   I know I should care more if he stays,but I’m just too exhausted to really care.  Plus maybe I missed him.

I recognized that look. The 38-hour-work-day look. The I-just-want-to-sleep-where-I-stand face. Yes, I know it well. Wolfram & Hart can take a lot out of a person, everything if you’re not careful. I know I should choose to either leave for good or continue my argument on getting laid but I don’t think I will just yet. Lilah wasn’t one to let people stay the night, under any circumstance. Of course, she could just be waiting for me to fall asleep so she can call W&H to tell them I am within snatching distance. Good thing I am not half as tired as Lilah looks. “Fine. But this isn’t over” I smirk with those words and motion for her to continue on to the bathroom. I must say, I do love our sick games.

I grabbed my ihome player, my silk short green nightgown, and matching robe. I then walked into the bathroom. I set the player on the bench that was near the tub,then after hitting play on the player and filling the tub with hot water and bubbles  I slipped into the warm bubble bath. A song that I’m sure no one would expect me to like came on and I turned it up.

“Well our love story reads like a book of lies

Good intentions, better alibis

No happy endings, no straight lines

No movin’ on, but no goodbyes

This bittersweet revelry, will be the death of me

Chorus:

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

And you would think that we’d get enough

You know we’re goin’ to fuck it up

We’re holdin’ on and sinking down

Here we go round and round

Making circles

Making circles

We both need to lead, while we dance alone

One more graceful spin, on who’s right or wrong

The same old words, the same old song

Maybe we’re right, where we belong

It can’t get much better, it sure can’t get worse

Well ether way you turn, it’s gonna hurt

We go round and round, tryin’ to work it out

And all I get is hell-bent and bound

Never far from right where we are

You’d think that we had had enough

Be sick and tired of fuckin’ up

Holdin’ on, sinkin’ down

Here we go round and round”

I heard the music drift from the bathroom and immediately and subconsciously began to sing along. Music is a weakness of mine, I must admit. It wasn’t until the song was partially over that I realized it seemed an odd choice for Lilah. Not bad, just not expected.

I stood for only a few seconds before setting out to explore her apartment. Not much had changed. Her clothes were impeccably folded and color coordinated - as always. The woman must have OCD and I mean the series illness, not the funny-self-diagnosed version. There’s a possibility I am looking for personal things, like what she’s been up to or who with. It’s a possibility is all I’m saying.

For the past months of isolation, staying hidden from the eyes of the Senior Partners, has been tedious, monotonous, and most important - boring. I think that is what keeps me coming back to Lilah, or at least allows me to tolerate her. She is absolutely never boring. No matter how bitchy, it isn’t boring and god have I been bored. Maybe playing this game with her will be a good break from these past few months of torture.

I was still in the tub humming along to the song until it finished. My closet is where most of my most personal items are kept. Their in the hatbox that sits on the top shelf. I also had some work related stuff in my desk in the living room too.  I got out of tub,grabbed a towel and started to dry off. I’m sure that he’s snooping and I should be pissed by that fact,but it’s not like he’ll find anything *that* interesting unless he looks through the hat box.

I whistled as I sat down at her desk, pulling out drawers and having a look around. I am sure most anyone at Wolfram & Hart would love to get their hands on these files. But Lilah was smart. She didn’t keep anything really important in the open. Those things were password and firewall protected on her laptop. If I had more time I’m sure I could crack it but it’s not really of the essence right now. Her work life as of vague interest to me. I would like to know what’s been going on since I’ve been gone and how high up the corporate ladder she has gotten but I can ask her those questions. No, I want to know the things that Lilah would never give up willingly. Not finding much in the desk, I got up and walked into her bedroom. The closet door was left open from when she had retrieved her clothes. There were several boxes lining the top. Most of them were shoes but one was old and unlabeled so I figured ‘what the hell’. Couldn’t hurt. I took it down and opened the lid. Jackpot. Jackpot in Los Vegas. This is gold. Pictures from god knows when were all stuffed around the edges, along with letters and cards and all sorts of things. I set on her bed and pulled out a stack of pictures, thumbing through them. 

The pictures were of me as a kid and my parents, one of my college sweetheart and I, letters from him,my parents and  my letter from Wolfram and Hart and some other things like my ballet slippers,the silver locket my father gave me,his law degree from Yale and mine and several other things.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the pictures. The thought of Lilah ever being anything other then what she is right now was humorous as well as fascinating. There are two of her as a kid. One was a school photo, probably around 3rd grade. The other was a family photo, just as young. I held up the school photo. How could Lilah Morgan look so…cute. Yes, cute is definitely the word. Adorable more like. She had curly pigtails for gods sake. This is too good to be true. I slip the photo into my pocket before going back to looking through the box. She looks so happy in her photos. The ballet slippers are old and worn, she must have been pretty good. I wonder who this girl is. “Who are you?” I saw out loud, flipping through the letters. It seems a little too personal to read the letters. Wolfram & Hart’s influence on me makes me almost open them, they have infused sneakiness and suspicion into me but I retain my moral value. I put them back, only stopping to take the family photo out and placing it in the corner of her bedroom mirror. Even Lilah needs a reminder of who she was. It would probably do her good. I put the box back precisely where I found it and flop down on the bed.

I came out of the bathroom in the nightgown and robe that I’d brought in with me,to find Lindsey lounging on my bed looking for all the world like he was quite at home here. I looked at him,then around the room and that’s when I saw the photo of me and my parents on my vanity mirror. I walked over to the vanity and grabbed the picture,before turning around to face him again. I’m not even sure what to say to him since I knew he’d go through things, so I just glanced at the photo then looked back at him speechless.

When Lilah came out of the bathroom my eyes widened “Woah”. I had never seen her without make-up before. She looked years younger as if a shell had been shipped away. When Lilah grabbed the photo and looked at me, I just raised an eyebrow as if to say I had no idea what she was talking about. “Is that before your mom got sick?” I asked, playing dumb as to how it got there just to avoid the conversation.

“Yeah and before my dad died..” I sat down on the bed with him. “So you went through my stuff..”

I pulled myself up on my elbows when she sat down next to me. “Can I ask how he died?” Knowing Lilah it would probably be stepping over a load of boundaries but it never hurts to ask. She had never brought him up intentionally in the past. I cocked my head to the side when she mentioned me going through her stuff. “And you expected me not to? I’m hurt.” She’d do the same to me and everyone knows it. “I did not read your letters though. For us that’s almost like respecting someone’s privacy.” I said in mock pride of my restraint.

I looked at him when he asked about my father. I sighed. “It was a plane crash on his way home from a business trip in Rome.” When he started in about how great it was of him that he didn’t read the letters I smirked. “Yeah I guess that qualifies…”

I just blinked for a moment when she spoke of her father’s death. One, because I didn’t think she would actually tell me and two, that sounds like a terrible way to go. “How old were you?”

I chuckled at her reply to my nosiness. “It’s a start.” 

“I was eight.” I told him. When he said it was a start as far of him not reading the letters. “Yeah..” I idlely wonder how long it’ll be before he goes back to wanting to screw me.

“Eight? That’s young.” Of course, my background isn’t extremely different but it is always depressing to think other people have to go through the same thing. It isn’t shocking though, seeing as how she turned out - completely inside herself, shielded. It’s understandable if you try to understand. 

It seemed the shower had woken her up enough to not be annoyed by my presence but she still looked exhausted. “How opposed would you be to the idea of me staying here tonight?” I certainly can’t buy a hotel room in this town without someone spotting me and reporting me to Wolfram & Hart. 

“Yeah I know it was pretty bad.” When he asked if he could stay the night, I nodded. “You can stay tonight,I’ll show you the guestroom.” I went to get up brushing against him a little.

I nodded knowingly. It always is. When she gets up to show me the guest room I grab her arm and pull her back to the bed. “Lilah, don’t you think we are a little beyond guests?” This, of course, could end me up with a door slammed in my face but it’s worth the risk. But, it’s up to her. I am not in the habit of forcing decisions on Lilah Morgan. She doesn’t take kindly to that.

“Lindsey… it’s late I’m tired…” I said even though I didn’t move out of his grasp. I know he has a point,but I just don’t fully trust him, plus there’s the fact that if he stays in here I won’t get any sleep.

“Who said you had to do anything but sleep?” I asked. She knows that if she were up to it then we would be doing something completely different right now but having sex with someone who’s half asleep doesn’t sound like it would be fun for either of us. I notice she doesn’t pull away so I take it as an invite to pull her back toward the middle of the bed so she can lay down. “I’ve seen your guest bed, thanks but no thanks.” As if this entire conversation was based on my comfort. If there is one thing Lilah and I can appreciate whole-heartedly, other than a glass of scotch, it’s a warm body. 

I sighed. “Fine you can stay.” I said as I let him pull me onto the bed. I laid down and despite my better judgment I kissed him. I might regret this in the morning,but it feels like the okay thing to do today.

If I  thought I was surprised when she let me stay without a fight, I definitely was when she kissed me. My eyes widened slightly before letting them close. She must either be too tired to cognitively process that this isn’t the wisest of decisions or perhaps she actually did want this. It seemed far-fetched that Lilah and I’s intentions would ever coincide when it comes to one another. But here it is. I take the kiss for everything she is willing to let it be, running my hands under her robe. I would be okay with just sleeping if that’s what she preferred but the alternative is always an option as well.

After a few moments of kissing and groping I came up for air, looked at the clock then got under the covers. I didn’t say anything I just laid down my head on his chest. Sleep was quickly catching up to me. I closed my eyes. “Don’t leave..” I murmured sleepily before I finally fell asleep.  I really hope he’s still here when I wake up, because I don’t think I could take it again if he left. The last time he was here and I just slept was the night Lee died, I’d asked him to come over,because I didn’t want to be alone.

When she laid down on the bed with me, she looked so comfortable that I didn’t bother to move her to take off my pants or shirt, just let her lay her head on my chest. The moment was increasingly fragile and I wouldn’t dare break it for her and my sake. When she asks me not to leave I am slightly taken aback from the sheet openness of the statement but I nod, running a hand through her hair “I won’t.” And it’s true - I won’t. I think I have seriously underestimated the stress and emotional strain Lilah has been under since I left. I feel guilty for not thinking of her side of it before now. This moment reminds me of the last time we were in this position. Lee’s death. The thought of it makes me pull her closer, wrapping both arms around her. “Sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

I smiled and snuggled up to him more. “I missed you” I said still only barely awake. I’d almost forgotten how good his arms felt holding me. I also realized how much I’ve not only missed having him around,but this just laying here with him. Before Angel came along things were pretty good,we were on top of of game work wise and I had him to run to if I needed to,then everything changed. I’d like to think it was Angel coming to town,but I know that he wasn’t the sole cause of everything getting turned upside down. Things have been even worse since Lindsey left though, I’m treading water trying to keep from drowning. Then of course there’s the daily desire to either have Gavin killed or do it with my bare hands.

“I missed you too.” Terribly so, but I never suspected she felt the same. We have both done very well of either hiding our emotions or making it appear as if we despise each other. We were so good act acting in fact, we started believing it to some extent. But I never forgot what we used to be and those thoughts only got more intense when I left and hadn’t seen her in months. I miss not being able to come to her with problems and get her no-nonsense advice. I miss not being able to see her everyday at work. But, most of all, I miss having someone to do this with, just hold with no expectation of anything more. I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. If I still remember how she is under stress, she rarely sleeps through the night. God knows she needs it though.

I slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I didn’t feel stressed or anything like I normally do, and the nightmares didn’t come for once either.

I am not sure when exactly it was that I fell asleep but I wake up hours later to the sound of her alarm clock. Skillfully, I reach over to turn it off without moving her. She hasn’t moved a muscle from last night - dead to the world. We both slept without disruption which is not common, and it isn’t due to her comfy mattress. It would spark suspicion for her not to come into work today. For one, Lilah never misses work…I mean, ever, for whatever reason. I run a hand through her hair “Lilah…Lilah, wake up.”

“Mmm.. five more minutes..” I didn’t want to go into work today. Plus my bed is comfy and I have no plans to leave it at least not this early. I know I should care that I’ll miss work,but I just can’t bring myself to deal with the hell that is work right now. No I’m going to stay in my nice little sanctuary.

I chuckled when she asked for 5 more minutes. “Whatever you want.” I would prefer she never went back but that’s just me. “How about, I make breakfast and I’ll wake you up when it’s done?” I said, moving to get out of bed. 

“Mmm yeah that sounds great,you do that I’m going to stay here.” It was warm and comfy. “I should have all needed supplies.”

I just laughed at her. She was half-asleep and barely understandable, but I got the gist. She mentioned having all the supplies. I have my doubts on that. Lilah was never a sit down and make a meal kind of person; she was too on the go. “If I open the fridge and all that’s there is Vodka and cold pizza then I hope you know I will concoct a pizza-tonic-omelet. Don’t think I won’t.” I could see I was loosing her again to sleep so I made my way to the kitchen.

Honestly I was way too tired to remember if that’s really all there was in my fridge,but it sounds like stuff I’d have, especially the vodka. I’ve got cash though so he could go out and stock up on food, the actual cookware and dishes I have all stacked in the cabinets I just seldom if ever use them. I stayed in bed snuggling up to his pillow and pulling the covers over myself more.

I open the fridge and am not shocked whatsoever to see that there is virtually nothing in it. It’s mostly condiments, a few take out boxes, and some randomly assorted tidbits that I are probably past their expiration date anyway. This is Lilah, a key Wolfram & Hart employee. It is not surprising for her to put food on the back burner. I can remember those days. Choosing an alternative method, I grabbed my wallet and left her apartment, getting into my car and going to the store. I picked up a little of a lot of things. So that she wouldn’t have an excuse not to put something together in the morning or grab something at night. Also, I got a to-go breakfast from the cafe on the way to her place. Walking back into her apartment, I set the breakfast on the table and put the bags on her counter. Making breakfast would have to wait for another day, If she’d have me that is.

By the time he’d come back I was up and in the shower. I’m still not sure about going into the office now that he’s here, mainly because I know they do ‘random’ mind reader sweeps and then there’s the fact that I just want to stay here with him. I could call out, lord knows I’ve got enough sick time and vacation days racked up that I’d have no problem taking advantage of.

I can hear the shower running so I set the food out so it will be waiting when she gets out. I wonder if she is going into work late or at all. It is past the time she normally shows up is why I am wondering. On one hand, I would like nothing more than for her to stay here with me all day and not have a single desire to go to work. Yet, on the other hand, I know the firm and what they are capable of. I don’t want them to have any reason to doubt her. 

I got dressed and picked up my cell,I called the office and said I was sick and won’t be coming in. After that I went to see Lindsey. “Hey, you bought food..” I said as I noticed the container. I called the office.. so I’m yours for the day.”

I turned around when she mentioned breakfast. “Yes, as it turns out, the contents of your fridgerator are all but nonexistent so I also bought something to fill it with.” I smirked but it fell away when she mentioned calling in sick. I should be happy that she would go through the effort to spend this time with me, and I am, but I have lived a life of constant worry and suspicion for a while now. Thinking of all the possible bad outcomes is sort of a habit of mine. “Aren’t you worried they’ll get suspicious. I mean, when’s the last time you took off work?”

“Thanks and I’ve called out at least once before so it;ll be fine. So you’ll be fine.” I smiled and picked up the box. I opened it and smiled when I saw it was chocolate pancakes my favorite. “You always did know me best..”

Nodding when she said everything would be fine, I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me.” Not like that hasn’t happened in the past or anything. I smile when she notices the chocolate pancakes. Holding a fork I reply “Well, of course, we were around each other day in and day out. I am probably the only person who has seen you literally pass out from sleep deprivation too.” Being partners at Wolfram & Hart usually led to one killing the other or some sort of pseudo-sexual relationship. “You always fascinated me.” That was definitely true. Lilah was just as predictable as she was unpredictable which made her such a challenge to figure out. The fun part being that you never would.

“Yeah so that explains how you’d know my favorite foods and how I like my coffee.” I smiled when he said I fascinated him, he’s not the first guy to tell me that of course,but it means more coming from him. I took the fork and pulled out his arms. I sat down on the sofa with the food. “So..”

“I am sure I know a lot of menial information about you.” Just little tid bits I picked up here and there over the years. For example, I know when she’s nervous she touches her neck a lot. Why do I know this? Not sure. Just something I’ve noticed. I frown slightly when she pulls away to go sit in the living room. My eyebrow goes up questioningly with her word “so…” which I can only imagine I am supposed to lead up with something but I have no idea what. “So…what?” I grab my container and a fork and sit on the sofa facing her instead of with her because I am not sure where this conversation is about to go but I figure I better play it safe for the time being.

We’ve spent enough years together that we’ve both picked up on certain things. like when he’s annoyed or tired. “It’s been awful since you left, Nathan Reed’s replacement is worse than him and I just want to kill your replacement.”

I pick my food up and set it on the coffee table in between the sofas before sitting next to her. We were lucky to have Holland as a boss. He was a Wolfram & Hart employee and he knew his job title but he wasn’t a monster and that’s more than you can ask for at the firm. I can only imagine who she is working with now. “And here I thought I was a pain in the ass to work with you.” I smirk, trying to lift her spirits but I abandon that approach because of all people I know this isn’t a laughing matter. “You understand why I left right? That I had too…It wasn’t to hurt you.” I never meant to do that. I knew it was necessary to do what I had to do, but I had no idea it would be to this extent. It is now, when she is opening up to me, that the guilt over causing her pain hits me.

I sighed. “I sort of get why you had to I just don’t think you should’ve left still. Things were bearable for about a month after you left,but that was before Nathan left too. After he left Linwood Murrow stepped in..” Linwood was a full fledged member of the firm’s boys club only  style. “And Gavin tried to start with me the day we met…bastard had the IT tech hook him up to my printer..”

“They would have killed you if I’d stayed.” I put it honestly. We both know they would promote a man over a woman any day at W&H.
I can’t help but laugh when she mentions the people she is working with now. “You can tell from their names. Linwood Murrow? Sounds like a paper company. I half expect to see it on the side of a scanner at the post office. And ‘Gavin’, was he born with a sweater vest and a mini golf club in his hand?” I am only laughing harder now. “He sounds like a prick.” I want to meet these people, see what they’re really like. But, I wouldn’t make such a rookie mistake. “I’m sure you give them hell. I bet you have some pretty great stories too.” Lilah was known for her retaliation and it was legendary. “I mean, what kind of things have they done?” I am not sure I should really know these things because it is in the past and getting mad about it know wont do any good but I still want to know. 

“Linwood goes back and forth as to which one of us he likes more on any given day and there’s just the general him being a total ass. As for Gavin he tried to tell me I should team up with him,and that I only got your old office and promotion for a reason other than having earned it. He then tried to tell me that the way to bring Angel down was to drown him in red tape,which I told him wouldn’t work and a week later I locked him in a room with a bunch of poisonous snakes.”

Lilah and I had had our fights at the firm, that was for sure. But it was more like malicious pranks back and forth not this undermining bullshit with not even a hint of a joke involved. They just sounded like greedy bastards. “Red tape? He came to you with red tape? And Linwood actually ‘likes’ this guy? He doesn’t sound like a parter so much as a peon.” When she mentions the snakes I chuckle, putting an arm around her shoulders and squeezing lightly “That’s my girl. And I suppose the bastard still lived despite all the efforts.” 

“Yeah apparently Gavin assumed I play well with others and that his plan was brilliant….Yeah he lived…” I smiled when he called me his girl and I moved into his touch. “At least when we fought it was more entertaining and the make up was worth it..”

“Play well with others? Doesn’t a mouse recognize a cat when it sees one?” It was often that people would underestimate Lilah, their mistake of course, but it was common. Woman were not taken as seriously at Wolfram & Hart which gave Lilah the pleasure of proving them all so very very wrong. I can imagine it got tiresome though. I smiled when she mentioned their fights, allowing her to move closer. “Our fights were definitely amusing, as well as brutal and creative. The ‘make-up’ is probably the thing I looked forward to most about coming into work. If not just you in general. Plus, if anyone else was as much fun to argue with then what would I be for?”

“Yeah our fights were better,close to legendary too.” I smiled he was right about his earlier comment about Gavin not being smart enough to know his place. “Gavin thinks he’s so damn brillant with all his stupid plans and such…his office isn’t even worth the effort to bother snooping in. He’s just some stupid rookie from the real estate division who has no clue how to play the game. Hell the only reason I even have to deal with him is, because they clearly didn’t want me to handle the Special Projects Department alone..”

“You could always do something to Angel and blame it all on Gavin. Then not only would Gavin be getting some much needed slack and possible torture but it would also get Angel off your back for a while.”  I nodded when she said Wolfram & Hart didn’t want her running Special Projects alone. “They made us run it together. I guess they have made it abundantly clear they aren’t going to hand you anything. But that’s never stopped you before.” I believed in her abilities absolutely but I also know that if anyone deserved a break it was her. Pausing for a moment before asking “Why do you keep going back?”

“I’ll think about it.” Io said when he mentioned setting Gavin up. I ate more of my food. When he asked why I keep going back to the firm I shrugged. “It’s not so bad all the time..”  I said as I sipped my drink.

I shook my head when she gave me the excuse that it wasn’t so bad all the time. “Are you going to tell me there are ‘good’ times? Even if, do they outweigh the bad?” I paused for a moment, looking into her eyes so she knew I was sincere “You are a brilliant lawyer, Lilah. You could go anywhere. Why do you stay?”

I sighed heavily, I know he’s right. “Well there’s my contract for one, the money, my mother..okay so mainly the contract and my mother.” I know that he knows about the contract since he signed one too,and even though he left the firm they still technically own him, or will when he dies. That’s the bonus of having signed a contract with a standard perpetuity clause.

I definitely understand the contract part and I have heard enough about Lilah’s mother to recognize her difficulties in that area. “I have a contract but you don’t see me tethered to a desk or blood on my hands.” I stopped to reorganize my words, trying not to make it sound as harsh as that. “It’s not easy to get away. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. It’s a constant challenge and I am never going to feel safe but I am safer now than I ever was in that office.” I may look over my shoulder now but it’s better than never letting anyone see my back for the possibility a knife would get shoved in it. “They may own your soul but that doesn’t mean you don’t have one.” Many would argue that she didn’t but I always knew different. I bring a hand to the side of her face, feeling like I am the only person who really sees her. “A piece of paper can’t tell you who you are. They own you - not your choices. They covet basic universal ideals such as free will and love.”

“So you’re saying I should be like you and be on the run for the rest of my life just waiting for the day they finally catch up to me? No thanks I’d rather stay here.” I know that he’s probably right,but I don’t really like the idea of it even if it did possibly mean I could be with him. “And I know I have choices still hoew do you think I manage to get away with half of what I do there?”

“Being on the run always looking over my shoulder is better than running evil errands while having an axe constantly hung over my head. It may be easier to be you but it’s safer to be me.” It also gets rid of all that pesky soul-harping. “Don’t you get tired of being their whipping post?” Bad is one thing, evil is another. I shake my head when she mentions getting away with things. “How long do you think that will last? One mistake. That’s all it takes. Then you won’t be on the run or looking over your shoulder because you’ll be dead. You won’t be worrying about anything because you’ll be dead. And then they really do own you. In Hell, free will isn’t really on the menu.” I sigh, turning to face forward again. “I’m not going to try to force your hand, Lilah. No one can get through that stubborn skull of yours. I know that…I just don’t want to be that one mistake that gets you killed.” Just sitting on this couch with me would be seen as conspiring with the enemy to the Senior Partners.

I sighed deeply. “Fine you have a point and it’s not like I’ve never thought of just giving it all up and leaving..like the night you left for instance..” God the day he shot up the board room and after when I went to see him I had seriously considered asking him to take me with him,but my damn pride and twisted sense of loyalty kept me from asking him. Trying to up and leave now though seems way too hard to even think about much less do,no matter how much he wants me to.

I know Lilah has this strange and deep need to remain loyal to the firm. It is all she knows. She has never been comfortable with change. I remembered when she had come to see me the night I left and the way I knew she’d wanted so badly to go with me but something in her stopped her from asking. At the time I thought that it wasn’t right to force her hand. I thought she had to choose for herself. But, now, I see that it might have been better to give her a push in the right direction. “I would have taken you with me in a heartbeat if you’d only asked.” I looked over to her “You know that right?”

“Yeah I know you would have and maybe I would’ve said yes.. I don’t know..,but I can’t just up and leave…” I’m not sure why I keep telling him no I know he’s right about the firm. I sighed. “Okay say I decided to leave where the hell would we go?”

It took me a second to register what she said and what it entailed. It obviously wasn’t her signing up for anything but the fact that she would consider it is something. “Lilah, it…doesn’t matter.” It had just occurred to me that it really didn’t. Where isn’t the question, it’s the who that matters now. “Paris, London, Chicago, hell, we can go to Ohio for all I care. Being on the run is sort of like being on a really dangerous cruise, you get to go to a lot of new places.” You come to realize that even the most beautiful places on Earth are rather dismal with no one to share them with. “I know it may sound selfish but I can’t be alone anymore.” If that meant her staying at the firm and me sticking around until the Senior Partners got wise and snatched me up then at least it would be better than dying alone in some ditch in the middle of nowhere. “I tried staying away from you and it wasn’t very successful the first time around. I don’t the second will prove any different.”

“You do realize that those three places all have a Wolfram and Hart branch in them.. ” I pointed out as he went on. I smiled though when he said that he didn’t want to be away from me again. “Worked well enough for a good while before now..”

I rolled my eyes when she pointed out that the three places I mentioned contained Wolfram & Hart branches. “You know what I meant. Besides, we wouldn’t be there long. You come, you go, like gypsies.” That way no one tracks you down. When she smiles I can’t help but do the same. It faded, however, when she said I had done a good job of staying away before now. “Seems that way doesn’t it? Same as how I thought you were doing fine without me until I come here to find that isn’t the case.” She wasn’t there to know how hard it was without her. How badly I wanted to go back or how guilty I felt for not taking her with me. “Nothing is really the same without you. You are a very hard woman to forget, Lilah Morgan.”

“If I was going to leave I’d want to actually be able to settle down in whatever the new place was,like oh say a small island beach somewhere.” I told him when he started in about not staying long and gypsies. When he said that I was hard to forget I smiled. “Good to know that you thought about me since you left..”

I nodded in understanding at her wanting to settle down. “It’s never going to be that easy. But, if you think of it, are you really settled here? This apartment isn’t really a safe haven from any evil that already surrounds your life.” I didn’t want to be harsh about how fucked up her life already was but I wanted her to understand that there was no safe. Not here - not anywhere. There was just different states of mind, different lifestyles. And surely she would rather not work for the very people who put the blood on her hands to begin with. I shook my head when she seemed pleased that I had thought of her while I was gone. “You’re all I thought about” might as well be honest. I might be deceptive and a tad morally skewed but I had grown to understand that lying only brought me more confusion in a time when I needed to be clear headed and not worried about silly things like masked feelings. “Well, that and surviving” I smirked “That was also a priority.”

“Good to know I made the priority list and this whole honesty shtick you’ve got going is mildly entertaining too. As for the being settled here yeah I kind of Am, I mean all my stuff is here I like my lifestyle..well the being rich and my day never being boring parts anyway. I knew what I was signing up for when I told Holland yes,well as much as any of us do I guess,but I don’t have just me to think about..” I reminded him.

"This ‘honesty shtick’ is what can be blamed for me telling you that you are being highly illogical right now and that your reasoning is slightly delusional." I smirked at the toying with honesty. I paused, however, when she said she was comfortable in her life here. "They’ll kill you, Lilah. You know they will. They don’t give a shit about you." When she said she knew what she signed up for I couldn’t help but laugh a little bitterly "That is a load of nicely rehearsed bullshit. When you signed up for Wolfram & Hart did you ever suspect you would see co-workers get shot between the eyes right in front of you?" The memory of Lee falling lifeless to the floor came to my mind. "Or how about locking away innocent people for the rest of their lives. No, wait, one better, your colleague beating the shit out of you because of some weird-mojo-magic that makes guys testerone-driven-demons. Did you sign up for that?" My voice was getting louder than I wanted it to be. I didn’t come here looking for a fight that’s for sure. I sighed, leaning back on the couch "What are you talking about?" I asked about her having to think of other people.

» via  lilahemorgan   (originally  lindseymcdonaldrp)
3 years ago on 4 June 2011 @ 12:09am 82 notes